Beth Gilleland: (fades on) I've got a card for Denny, and one for Aunt Gladys, and one each for the entire congressional delegation . but . what about Sparky! I forget to get a valentine for . (calling) Sparky! Sparky!

Jim Ed Poole: (off mic barking, fades on under)

DC: This is an awkward time to remember that you forgot your best friend on Valentine's day, but it does happen.

BG: Sparky . I don't actually HAVE anything for you, but I want you to know that you're very, very, very, very special to me. OK? I really, really love you. In an entirely appropriate way for an inter-species relationship.

JEP: (canine confusion)

BG: That's all. I just wanted to tell you that. Happy Valentine's Day! You can go lie down now! Go ahead! Back to your bed!

(music: blues?)

DC: Happy Valentine's day . now go lie down . could be an intriguing invitation given the right people and circumstances, but when it's you talking to your dog, he knows he's being . dismissed.

JEP: (whimper)

DC: Dismissed to his dumb old nothing-special bed. Just an old pillowcase filled with fabric shreds and ruined socks . a sad place where he spends the day licking his own stomach and waiting for you to show an interest.

JEP: (lick lick lick)

DC: And if this is the full extent of your love . well . he'll just have to accept it. Even though you mean so much more to him . and if he could say so, he would.

JEP: (doggish) Rye ruvv roo.

DC: And he tries, from time to time.

JEP: (not successfully) Rye ruvv roo. Rye ruvv roo.

BG: What is it, Sparky? Do you have an ear infection?

JEP: Rye ruvv roo.

BG: A thorn in your paw? Is it the anal glands again?

JEP: Rye ruvv roo! Rye ruvv roo!

BG: I don't know what you mean! There's no one at the door. Relax.

DC: It's frustrating for your dog . even though he knows how he feels about you . he never can be completely sure you feel the same way about him. Unless . you get him a Bowserbed Valentine's Special!

(music: harmonica out)

(sfx: compressor)

(sfx: jangling tags)

JEP: (doggie ecstasy)

DC: The Valentine's special is a luxurious heart shaped playpen designed for Bowswerbed by Las Vegas Hotel Room Imagineers. It comes filled with a combination of polyester fibers and cedar wood shavings and is available in denim, corduroy and crushed velvet. With seven vibration settings, including the salt shaker -

JEP: (violent sharp shaking)

DC: The kneader -

JEP: (grabby shaking)

DC: The rasp

JEP: (chattering teeth and shaking)

DC: and the Rolling Wave.

JEP: (wave like up and down)

DC: On a certain level he knows you love him, but it's nice to have proof with the Bowserbed Vibrating Pad for Dogs, available in a special heart shaped Valentine's edition. Pick one up for your best friend . today!