Friday, December 19, 2014

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Strategic Golf Reserves


Recently President Clinton released 12 million barrels from our Strategic Oil Reserve to drive down the high cost of gas. But why stop there?

Other constituencies are in need of relief. Just the other day, Jim Ed had to pay twelve bucks to play nine simple holes of golf in St. Paul. More than a dollar a hole! It used to be you had to fall in with a group of heartless thieves and play the worst game of your life to lose that much money on a golf course. Now the money is taken away from you at the clubhouse before you even begin. How can such fees be charged?

It's a simple case of supply and demand. Gazillions of golfers chasing a few precious tee times. Which is why it's time for the Federal Government to step in and release it's Strategic Golf Reserves.

At bases all around the country there are military golf courses JUST SITTING THERE! Armed forces personnel play for about half the rate of civillians. You and I can't even get ON the course unless we're the guest of some military person, and then we pay twice as much. Now don't get me wrong. The men and women of our armed forces deserve to have the best tee times of any fighting force on the planet. I want us to have a defensive force that can get on the course rapidly, with all the supplies they need; shoot with skill and cunning unequaled anywhere on the globe; subdue, and if necessary, humiliate par; then quickly get off the course and back to their stand-by positions and do it all within just a few hours.

But let's face reality. The military is downsizing and after the good tee times are set aside for National Security there are still plenty left for release to the general public. Putting these cheap tee times on the market would create a strong current of competition that would drive prices downward immediately, providing relief for millions of grateful voting golfers.

Granted, a lot of these military courses are in places like San Diego and Norfolk Virginia. That makes it awkward for your average midwestern golfer who has a hard enough time just getting started on the local course because he's always leaving his tasseled spikes and little golf towel in the trunk of his car. It's his turn to hit and he's out in the parking lot. Imagine if this frustrating golfer and the millions like him had to mobilize for a trip to Charleston, or the Phillipines. But that's just what I'm suggesting. And we can do it!

Military transport planes are shuttling back and forth to these sites all the time. Loosen up the regulations. Open the doors to these planes. Carpet the insides with astroturf and let golfers practice putting ON THEIR WAY TO THE COURSE. When the plane lands and these civillian golfers are deployed, they're ready to play!

It's a simple matter. Flood the market with good tee times. Provide a free airlift of golfer/taxpayers, and make this the summer we used our Strategic Golf Reserve for a greater public good ... to make our nation what it was always meant to be ... a shining, well manicured green on a hill, an easy 7 iron from the rough, dappled with dew in the early morning light, where anyone with enough drive and a few good breaks can beat par.

(This piece was used on the Morning Show on May 7, 1996.)