Wednesday, April 25, 2018

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The Morning Show
The Morning Show

DC: This section of our show is brought to you by Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered food. If you like your food refined, try the redefined foods of Genway. And now, from the Genway Pavilion of Modified Food on the grounds of the Minnesota State Fair, here's produce manager Dr. Larry Kyle.

(sfx: sheep)

KYLE: Wanna know what I have here?

DC: Not really.


(sfx: lightning)

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

But they're not ordinary sheep.

You can go just about anywhere on the fairgrounds to see ordinary sheep. There's something about these sheep that makes them different. Wanna know what it is?

DC: I don't think so.


(sfx: lightning)

It's not really wool. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. Wanna know what it is?

DC: Probably not.


(sfx: lightning)

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh! It makes so much sense I'm surprised it took me this long to think of it! Sheep with COTTON CANDY for WOOL! They're bound to be a big hit here at the state fair. City people especially love to reach over the barrier to touch the backs of sheep .... now when they do that, they'll pull back a sticky hand. This is such an efficient way to make cotton candy too! You don't need electricity ... you don't need expensive equipment of any kind, and it's always growing, growing, growing.

DC: I wonder how many will eat it?

KYLE: Why wouldn't they eat it?

DC: Maybe they won't know what it is. And it's ON a SHEEP.

KYLE: They eat what's underneath!

DC: I know, but ... people will assume it's wool. Scratchy wool candy. Not very inviting.


(sfx: lightning)

Heh heh heh ... anything that's this texture, and PINK, has GOT to be cotton candy.

DC: How do you keep it from rubbing off them in the pen?

KYLE: We put those little jackets on them. Just like the wool growers.

But it is important that we keep them out of the sun. I once let a herd of cotton candy sheep stand in the sun for twenty minutes, and when I got back to them ... they were all melted and stuck together. It was a terrible, awful mess. Fortunately, just then, a group of eight- year-olds came by and we paid them each a dollar to lick the sheep clean.

DC: I'll bet the parents were surprised.

KYLE: The parents of the sheep, or the parents of the kids?

DC: Either, but I'm thinking about the kids.

KYLE: I don't know. I've got a lawyer to handle that kind of thing. You should see him. I made him in my laboratory out of a shark, a rhinoceros and a pepper plant. But that's another story.

DC: What keeps the sheep from eating the cotton candy that grows on their backs? You know ... just turning around and taking a bite?

KYLE: Are you MAD?

(sfx: lightning)

That would be self-cannibalism! That's UNNATURAL! Heh heh heh .... and if ANYONE'S gonna be Unnatural around here ... it'll be ME. NOT a bunch of bright pink sheep!

DC: Cotton candy grown on the backs of sheep ... it's the special this week at Genway ... the supermarket for genetically engineered foods. Stop by the Pavilion of Modified Food and be sure to say hello to the produce manager, Dr. Larry Kyle.