Commentary
What it's like to live with Asperger's
By Tori Brown
Tori Brown is a student at Hibbing High School.
It's not that I don't have emotions. That's psychopathy, not Asperger's. If anything, I actually feel emotions more strongly than other people. I just don't have any way of telling anyone.
I rub my hands together because I'm thinking, not because I'm cold.
No, I would not like to shake your hand. Physical contact makes it feel like there are ants crawling all over me.
I know it doesn't look like I'm listening, but I am. I'm just afraid of making eye contact.
In the name of all things holy, do not make that noise again. Do you have any idea how sensitive my hearing is?
What about this don't you understand? I always take this route. I don't care if it's faster to go a different way, this is the way I always go.
For the love of God, I had my rock collection organized like that for a reason. Why did you have to go and mess it up?
School is harder for me than other kids. Imagine that you're in a big building full of people you don't know. Imagine that they're speaking a different language and using hand gestures that you don't understand. Imagine that it feels like everyone knows you're different from them.
The kids in my class know something's wrong with me. They see how I rub my hands together under the desk, how my handwriting looks like a third-grader's, how it takes me longer to react to my name being called.
I learned a long time ago that my peers and I didn't see things the same way. So I learned not to talk to them. Now, years later, I still do the same thing. If I can get my point across by nodding and pointing, that's what I'll do.
Have you ever had a time when there was just too much of something? Too much noise, too many things to focus on at once? Because that's what walking down the halls at school feels like. There are TOO MANY PEOPLE and TOO MANY THINGS TO LOOK AT and IT'S WAY TOO LOUD.
My hearing is, as I said before, more sensitive than other people's. If there is a sudden loud noise — a balloon popping, a door slamming, someone sneezing, the school bell going off — I flinch. Loud noises feel like a physical pain to me, like it's gotten so loud that it's crossed from mental to physical distress. I cannot stress enough how scared I am of loud noises.
And people scare me. One or two, fine. But the minute there are more than five, I shut down. It's like stage fright, except I get it just by leaving my house.
Sometimes I don't notice that someone has walked into a room until they say something, and then BOOM, it's cardiac arrest time.
And social interactions, my God. If someone says something I don't understand, it bugs me for the rest of the day. If I do something to embarrass myself, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I don't realize that I shouldn't have said something until I say it and someone gets mad at me.
When I'm alone, I like to work on something I call my focus. A focus is simple. Take something you like — a band, a TV show, a video game series — and make it the most important thing in your life, second only to breathing. I'm obsessed with Pokemon, Sonic, wolves, Minecraft, the Spanish language in general, the state of California and the country of Argentina.
The thing is, though, Asperger's isn't just a cute little awkward-and-shy-genius thing. For every positive trait you have, you pay a price in the form of a negative trait.
My motor skills are so bad that I broke my ankle by tripping. I don't know how to ride a bike. I can't tie knots. I'm not very dexterous, so if two things are sitting close to each other, I'll grab one and knock the other over. If there isn't something for me to look at when I'm walking, I have no sense of balance.
The psychological aspect of it is important, too. I get extremely anxious over little things. I overanalyze things to the point where I freak myself out. I get angry and frustrated easily, and sometimes I just don't understand.
People with Asperger's are also twitchy by nature. They flap their hands, click their tongues, kick their feet. Sometimes they have a small object — usually a toy — that they twist and turn in their hands. In my case, I carry around figures with movable joints — if it isn't manipulatable, I have no interest in it — or wooden snakes. I don't know why I do it, but I know that fiddling with something is more comfortable than sitting still.
Asperger's is a difficult disorder to deal with. If you have it, you more or less just learn how to deal with it and try not to break too much stuff in the process.
I have high-functioning Asperger's, which means that it's mild enough that I won't have much trouble when I'm older. I can make conversation, compromise when I need to and I can understand sarcasm. (Not all Aspies can say that.)
As far as Asperger's goes, I guess I got pretty lucky.
Comments (15)
This article was GREAT. My son who passed when he was 6 was diagnosed with Asperbergs. I take care of a little boy now that has it. It is such an interesting trait. My little man was into puzzles. He was such a cool kid! Thank you so much for sharing this article.
Tori-you are very brave to write this. Thank you so much for helpiing us to understand. I hope that the people who read this will make it easier for you and others with Asperger's. I admire you.
What a wonderfully written article. Way to go cousin. You have a gift for writing, like your big brother. You have a bright future ahead of you.
Beautifully explained, beautifully written.
Tori,
Thanks for the insight! My son has Aspergers. He is brilliant like you. I like to say that he experiences the world differently than anyone else, but don't we all! May you find peace in your life and always reach your goals. We all walk different pathways. It's so nice when they intersect!
Thank you, Tori, for such an interesting article about what you have to deal with every day. I also enjoyed your humor. My step-son has Asperger's and finds that humor helps him keep a positive outlook.
Thank you for sharing so much about yourself, Tori. While not at all wanting to minimize your particular characteristics, it's interesting and potentially helpful for everyone to realize that many of these characteristics apply to some degree to lots of "normal" people - non-aspies - but usually to a lesser extent. People avoid making eye contact for lots of reasons. They arrange things to suit themselves and object when others rearrange them. Lots of people flinch at loud or sudden noises or are irritated by particular sounds. Many people have little habitual physical manifestations that accompany their thinking. Holding and manipulating some simple thing can help most people concentrate on what they're listening to. We all see things our own way and often assume everyone else sees things our way - or that they ought to.
None of these are considered disorders unless they begin to seriously affect a person's life and relationships. Unfortunately, many people aren't even aware of their own habitual characteristics because their "normalness" and their limited consciousness distracts them from their unconscious behaviors - their habits. With greater personal consciousness, people could come to see themselves more clearly and the insights gained could facilitate greater empathy and tolerance for those who are "different" from them - meaning everyone else, to some degree. And maybe folks would clearly realize that our great diversity is what greatly enriches our lives.
OUTSTANDING! God Bless You! Thank you for writing this!
Thanks for a wonderfully expressed article Tori. I hired a young woman with Asperger's to assist me in my home office, and she is fantastic! Many of her special traits are extremely helpful in performing her tasks. I've never had an assistant who was more thorough, consistent and reliable. We've developed a good system that helps her when she needs to learn a new task, and I know that my investment in extra training time will pay off tremendously too. Still, I want to learn more about Asperger's and how this affects people living with it. Your article was illuminating Tori. Clearly you have a lot to offer, and I'd love to hear more from you!
Tori, you are great--just the way you are.
So often, autism and Asperger's is represented in media and in policy deciding bodies by parents of children with this disorder. What a joy to read what it's like from a young adult who is speaking for herself. I wish more media outlets would listen to autistic and Aspergian people. Thanks, MPR, and thanks, Tori, for speaking your truth.
Thank you for writing this. Your bravery in sharing this helps others better understand the awesomeness that is you and a special ability many do not understand well. Thank you!!
This commentary is so unique. So beautifully written. It takes us inside your skin for a walk in your shoes, seeing the world through your eyes, Tori, and heating the noise as you hear it. I share much of what you experience to some small degree, but could not have imagined this without your courageous, beautiful sharing, thanks to you and MPR. Thanks and God bless!
What a great commentary! I really loved reading this. It helped me understand a bit more about how my son who has Asperger's experiences the world.
Sounds like an excuse to be an a s s h o l e and never be called on it.
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