Commentary
Rural gays and lesbians still long for affirmation
By Melanie Hoffert
Melanie Hoffert, Minneapolis, works for Teach For America and is the author of the forthcoming memoir, "Prairie Silence: A Rural Expatriate's Journey to Reconcile Love, Home, and Faith."
On Election Day, many of us huddled together in anticipation of the Minnesota Marriage Amendment results. And while we were ecstatic to see the amendment defeated, for some of us, there was something beyond the question of marriage equity at stake.
Our minds were far from the city. Our thoughts traveled past the suburbs, down empty highways, onto gravel roads, over fields, and into the small towns and rural lands of our childhoods. We wondered about farmers' conversations, and people talking at cafes, and the discussions at potlucks in the Lutheran and Catholic churches.
Up to the vote, we couldn't shake the faces of the people who had changed our diapers, who had given us our first communions, who had watched our every basketball game, who had sat through our squeaky band performances, who had came to our proms and homecomings, and who had cheered us on as we went into the larger world.
We wanted to know how the people with whom we spent the beginning of our lives voted. We wanted to know whether they cared.
For many of us who are gay, the Twin Cities is our home of refuge. We — rural expatriates from farms and small towns in Minnesota, and the borderland states of North Dakota and Wisconsin — came here seeking people with similar stories and an escape from our silences. And while we have made new homes, created new communities and matured into adulthood, we are forever connected to the people of our childhood.
And, so, while we took great comfort in the orange "Vote No" signs that stretched for blocks, and rested easy in the supportive voices of our neighbors, and ultimately sighed with relief when the amendment was defeated, we will only find full relief when those from our homelands come to our sides and finally say, "We support you."
The world has changed since I left my home state of North Dakota. Today people hardly blink when they find out I happen to be a lesbian; in fact, people are much more shocked to learn I grew up in the middle of nowhere. "You're from where?" they'll ask, and I'll immediately explain how breathtaking the prairie is and how I am from a world where neighbors come to each other's side in ways city people can't imagine.
"Well — why didn't you stay?" some will ask.
"Because I can't," I will say. And with these words, my heart always breaks.
The vote is over and a large victory has been won. But, unfortunately, the breakdown of the vote by precinct tells us that the extended communities of people who raised us, who loved us, have not yet fully welcomed us home.
Comments (15)
Beautifully written .... sadly true as I look at the map.
We went to my "hometown" in the far northwest corner of Minnesota before the election hoping to plant some orange signs. It is not where we raised our dear gay son ... it was where my parents raised me. There is a longing in me as a parent to see him fully welcomed in the community where I grew up.
Oh dear Melanie. I live in a rural MN village of 350. I voted for your rights and many I know did the same. Sometimes I think we just have to outlive the ones who can't understand. Please know there is a thriving alternative subculture on the prairie. We have our own potlucks. You may not recognize us, cuz we're younger, but you are most welcome (food's better, too--no green jello or lutefisk, I promise).
Beautifully written. But no evidence that the author spent any time in rural Minnesota trying to change hearts and votes this past election cycle. I respect Randi Reitan, the Wilfahrts and others who actually come out to rural Minnesota to do so. I have even more respect for my LQBT friends who stay out here and do more than just use language to indulge a heartbreak.
It's not an idle complaint. Attitudes toward LGBTQ people change largely because of proximity. With her miles-high authorial voice, Hoffert can cash in on a rural identity while nurturing her urban readers' feeling of cultural superiority to rural people. But while both maybe satisfying in term of emotional flooding, both merely preserve the status quo.
I live in a small town in Southwestern Mn. and you are always welcome into my home
I don't agree with you Sally Jo. I think there's a lot of victim blame in your response. This is a well written reflection. Hopefully through this website Melanie has found a way out onto the prairie.
Sally Jo in Hutchinson....really isn't there already enough judgement in the world....maybe she should just keep "silent." Now that would be real progress. I would encourage you to read her upcoming memoir. Then decide if your judgement is valid.
Melanie WAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF!!!!! I feel so proud and honored to call you not only my first best friend but also my family. You are an amazing person who is strong in her beliefs as I am also. I understand the difficulties you face growing up where we did, especially in your little community. I am sorry for their lack of knowledge. You deserve to have EVERYTHING anyone else is allowed to have. I love you for the YOU God made, your simply God gift. Love you ~xo
Melanie WAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF!!!!! I feel so proud and honored to call you not only my first best friend but also my family. You are an amazing person who is strong in her beliefs as I am also. I understand the difficulties you face growing up where we did, especially in your little community. I am sorry for their lack of knowledge. You deserve to have EVERYTHING anyone else is allowed to have. I love you for the YOU God made, your simply God gift. Love you ~xo
Melanie,
It very rarely happens that the morals of parents and their child are fully aligned.
So is there any flexibility in your equating support of gay marriage with being "fully welcomed" home?
In other words, can agreeing to disagree about SSM replace supporting SSM in your vision of a full welcome home?
In a similarly heart-felt situation, my parents agreed to disagree with with my sister about her moral choice.
My sister had children but disagreed with my parents that she should marry the father.
My parents agreement to disagree with her affirmed and respected the values they each believed were important.
I have known gays & lesbians for 45 years, and have always spoken on their behalf, the State having no right to interfere with what adults do in their homes. We own our bodies, and we are free to do what we want with consenting adults.
Only 2% of females are lesbian, and 4% of male humans are gay. A small minority, to be sure.
Perhaps, if you think about it for a minute, you may come to the realization that those poor rural folks who disagree with you are, gulp, right, and you are not.
You see, it is one thing to be against the State usurping rights to your life & quite another to deny evolution & biology.
Going forward, you will run into a brick wall. Science. As you try to force the 97% to accept your way as being as good as their way, you will run smack into the reality of Science. You can't defeat Science. Or Biology. Or Evolution.
It's more than a little bit pompous & arrogant to demand that those who raised you & loved you now should come over to your side and "support" you and welcome you "home".
They changed your diaper, cheered you on in Sports & Band, were there for you always, and now you demand that THEY change to flatter you. That THEY capitulate & drop their scientific position & adopt your aberrational one.
How about you go to them and say, "I'm so sorry. I was unreasonable. I demanded you deny truth for my ego. I won't do that anymore. Please forgive me."
Try some humility. Works good.
Do something for THEM for a change. They already DID all for you.
Dear Betty Blevins,
Thank you so much for explaining to me that science is all about percentages. Now I get it. So, since there are even fewer albinos in the world than gay people, they should be shunned and forced to stay away because they might make someone uncomfortable. That's a relief because I just think it's wrong to be albino. And what about deaf people? They're really annoying. You can't even talk to them and they have a whole language of their own and when they do talk, they sound funny. Let them all live in cities with albinos and gay people so that rural communities can stay nice and uniform and homogenous, and 100% normal with no freaks of nature.
Betty- I reread Melanie's piece after reading your comment, wondering how could I possible have missed the tone and intent you implied. Still missed it. She is not seeking an endorsement of her lesbianism but rather simply to be accepted. May we all someday be blind to color, sexual orientation, class or whatever else impedes our ability to welcome each other.
Please understand you are not shunned forced out etc. You are asking not for acceptance but to redefine the meaning of Marriage for the 97% who love you dearly but know you ought not do that. live your lives in peace but do not persecute those who understand The Natural Law and the ramifications of ignoring it.
Bravo, Melanie - this is a marvelous piece!
Just Google BECOMING LEGALLY ATTACHED-ART PRINTS for,hands down, the most powerful argument in favor of our RIGHT TO MARRY YOU'LL EVER READ! And it can be read in a minute or less. It's a poem/short essay on a beautiful poster. The moment I saw it I knew I had to share it and I hope you feel the same.
THANK YOU
Larry Samuel
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