Commentary
An out-of-towner who refused to succumb to Minnesota's rules
by Sasha Aslanian, Minnesota Public RadioSasha Aslanian is a reporter for MPR News.
Bob Collins' News Cut blog lit up recently over an East Coast transplant throwing in the towel on life in Minnesota and moving home. We don't know the real story behind that departure, but it unleashed a frank discussion about the insularity of native Minnesotans and how difficult it is for newcomers to break in.
It's an old story. I'll bet 15 years ago, reporter Chris Roberts (Michigan native) did a piece about a support group for newcomers to the Twin Cities.
From reading Bob's commenters, not much has changed:
"The first year is excruciatingly painful, since cues that work everywhere else (tentative plans to grab a coffee) not only never pan out, but are insincere to begin with," wrote "C," who moved here four years ago.
Busted.
I'm one of those native Minnesotans who's slippery about making plans. My best friend Becky is someone I met in first grade. My life is full of people like me who never moved away.
In the late '90s, a new woman started working in Underwriting at MPR. Amanda was a few years younger, but worldly: a Kansan who grew up in the south of France. She'd moved here from Madison with her husband and was ready to dive into her new life in the Twin Cities.
"We should get together!" she'd say. I'd smile and agree and not make a move.
"Saturday night dinner at our house!" she'd announce, completely missing my Minnesota signals of non-engagement .
We traded off hosting dinner parties (I do have some social graces) and before long I had introduced Amanda to all my high school friends, who became her friends, and she joined our long-running book group and my knitting club of women journalists.
"How does she have so much energy?" Becky asked. "Does she plug herself into the wall at night?"
Amanda needed no sleep, and was an inexhaustible extrovert. She'd drive to IKEA in Chicago, loading up everyone's requests. She'd organize a museum gala when I didn't know rich people came in our age bracket. Everywhere she went, she'd gather up friends and periodically hold parties to introduce everybody.
Amanda had no family in town, so when she and her husband Andrew had their first baby boy I brought groceries to their apartment and got to hold tiny Henry.
The next year, I had my first baby, and Amanda was at the hospital with advice on breastfeeding and offering her multitude of nursing pillows.
One by one, our circle birthed a brood of kids and swapped stories, baby items and makeshift dinner parties with kids on our hips.
The kids got bigger, life started to get easier, and I felt I'd been through a war with Amanda.
And then she moved away.
Her husband got his dream job at Apple, so intrepid Amanda packed up their three little boys, put her house on the market and launched the family toward Silicon Valley.
I ache when I drive past her old block. It's a stretch of St. Paul I'll probably drive by every week for the rest of my life.
"There's a hole in my heart for you," I tell her when we talk on the phone.
I actually caught myself auditioning people to fill the now-vacated Amanda slot in my life. I miss her force of personality, her over-the-top generosity, her pragmatic joie-de-vivre.
Amanda broke down the doors to my life, burst in and got the party started.
She was the friend I didn't know I needed. Every Minnesotan needs a friend like that.
So, out-of-towners, we're glad you're here. We just need you to teach us that.
Comments (11)
Nice commentary, Sasha. Hang in there! (P.S. My NYC man thinks Amanda may have broken the space-time continuum being held fast by Minnesota reticence and that is why Dr. Who arranged for her life to take her elsewhere).
Sasha, Amanda continues to be a force! As a recent Bay Area transplant from MN, we connected through various mutual friends/colleagues and we're all meeting up for dinner this Saturday. Amanda is the new Kevin Bacon!
Sasha,
You warm my heart with your stories, we can all relate and we get to know you a little bit better. You are the best!!
Maybe we all need to be more like Amanda when we move someplace new. I've been in Florida for 13 years now and still don't really feel at home. Even my kids who were 9 & 11 when we moved from MN still consider themselves Minnesotans first. It has a strong pull!
Nice writing.
I think that perhaps the x-factor in people like Amanda is their "worldly" (IE having lived other places) experience.
Most native Minnesotans have never lived elsewhere.
But "cold", unwelcoming social behavior can said to be true of anyplace where the inhabitants have established deep roots without having grown wings.
That is a great story - as a former Minnesota resident (5 years) I actually found it easy to dive in and make friends - it's only now that I'm on the East Coast that I'm having that same issue. Especially as I get older, it is harder to break in. And now I try to fill the spots that my friends in other cities filled, and I really appreciate the spot they have in my heart, no matter where they are. Thanks for sharing!
This is wonderful! I'm a transplant of 12 years, and most of my friends are transplants - - Minnesotans can be a tough shell to crack, as polite as everyone might be, as stated in the article, many Minnesotans stay Minnesotans, and their friend-types are pretty much set (why open up for someone you don't really know? agh.) Thank you for letting Amanda in - - she sounds like a force of nature! :)
Well said. As an Air Force Brat, I can tell you that Minnesota is far and away the toughest nut to crack! Though after 7 years in the state now...with an amazing wife (Minnsota native) & babies on the way...I feel as if I have finally cracked the outer rim--only problem is... there's about 100 more layers to go!;)
Oops! Can you add an E to my MinnEsota? Thanks! Dave.
I wish all Minnesotans were open to new people. We have lived here 5.5 years and in spite of my initial efforts to connect through various groups, offers to help, remembering special occasions, etc. I have yet to receive an invitation for a social occasion at someone's home or at a restaurant. My husband travels for work, and we have no family in then area. With two small children, it is a very lonely for me, and I feel myself morphing into someone I don't like. My husband is desperately trying to find a job which will allow our escape.
As a follow up to my post on March 10th, after a year of looking, my husband found a job in Dayton, OH. which is a step up for him and puts me within 2 hours of my family. We will be taking a monster hit on the house (fortunately we put 50% down). The kids and I will move this summer. I have already spoken with some Daytonites who have rolled out the welcome mat. I will miss my son's Catholic school, but mostly I feel relieved.
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Sasha Aslanian
• ReporterSasha Aslanian is a reporter with MPR News' Twin Cities metro reporting unit.
