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Trial Balloon: May 20, 2010 Archive

The Big Fib

Posted at 6:00 AM on May 20, 2010 by Dale Connelly (42 Comments)
Filed under: Bubby Spamden

Radio Heartland has tickets to give away for another sold out concert at the Cedar Cultural Center.
Ukulele virtuoso Jake Shimabukuro and singer/songwriter Jake Armerding will perform on Sunday, May 23rd at 7:30 pm.

Enter the drawing.
Obey the rules.
Good luck!

In my in box this morning I found the following e-mail from our friend at Wendell Wilkie High School, perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hi Mr. C.,

Well the year is almost over here at Wilkie , and the graduating seniors are having a great time with that Adam Wheeler story. He's the guy who's getting sued by Harvard because he they gave him 50 thousand dollars in scholarships that he didn't deserve.

But it's the non-graduating seniors who really love this story. They're amazed at how far you can get in higher education by telling lies, lies and more lies. It gives them hope.

Wheeler said he went to a fancy private high school. He didn't.
He said he was the class valedictorian. He wasn't.
He said he had PERFECT scores on his SAT's.

And yet he got all the way into a big deal Ivy League school and almost out the other side! He would have made it if not for plagiarizing some stuff, and then he got caught fibbing when he applied to transfer to Yale.

Who knew a simple liar could trick so many people at a famous brainy place like Harvard?

Lots of students lie about their SAT's. It happens all the time at Wilkie - usually at lunch when my biggest underachiever friend, Dopey Stuart, tries to convince us that he got a really high score. Then somebody says something like "If you got THAT, then I got THIS", and then somebody else tops it, then others do the same until a half dozen people who can't even add their age to their IQ are saying they got perfect scores and a free ride to Princeton. And we go on from there, with numbers being shouted across the table that are well over 2400, or what we call perfect PLUS! With all the laughing and hooting we get louder and louder and before long some food gets thrown and the lunch cops have to step in and start writing out detention slips.

It's fun.

Anyway, I've been a sophomore long enough to know all the reasons why it's wrong to lie, starting with "you'll get caught". My teachers are always talking about Madoff and Petters and John Edwards and blah, blah, blah. If all they did was ask us to repeat that stuff on the SAT I'd have been out of here years ago. But the test makers keep wanting to know about all that math and junk. What for? All I want is to be a star, and there are all these examples of people who got to be famous for being good, but not great, liars.

So here's my question - If you were going to try to be the best liar ever, where would you go to get that education? It looks like schools teach a lot of different subjects, but I don't see anybody who offers a degree in it, or even better - a Doctor of Falsehood, which would be a really cool thing to have.

I feel my future unfolding, but I still don't know - what's the next step?

I'm speechless. Anyone?

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