Trial Balloon

Trial Balloon: March 24, 2010 Archive

The Workout Outlook

Posted at 6:00 AM on March 24, 2010 by Dale Connelly (40 Comments)

Another weight-loss study was unleashed on the developed world yesterday, wreaking the usual amount of havoc. The question had to do with the amount of physical activity necessary to prevent long-term weight gain. The conclusion reached after studying people for 15 years - women who don't cut calories as they age should exercise one hour per day, seven days a week to keep from gaining weight.

This comes from a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Dealmaker and trend watcher Spin Williams believes every weight gain or loss study is a marketing opportunity, so naturally he's excited. He sent this message late yesterday:

Here at The Meeting That Never Ends, we love the mind blowing ramifications of this study. It's a bombshell! Imagine - ONE HOUR of exercise EVERY DAY! On top of the normal amounts of work, sleep, household chores, community volunteering and watching essential TV shows that they already do, American women who obey studies like this will now have to add ONE HOUR of working out. And people should count on spending TWO hours when you factor in the getting dressed, showering, and complaining to each other about having to work out ONE FULL HOUR! There's not enough time in the day!

That's why we think the next big trend will marry that exercise component to the daily office routine by re-introducing the time honored hunter-gatherer lifestyle. You don't hear about overweight people in hunter-gatherer societies because they don't have bathroom scales, and even if they did have scales and were willing to talk about their body-image issues, nobody around here wants to hear from hunter-gatherers. They're boring. But we should listen anyway!

Hunter-gatherers are slim because they're always on their feet and constantly on the move doing all that H'ing and G'ing. And because they use so much energy finding edible nuts and fruits and plants in the natural world and chasing down animals, they don't have time to get fat! We need to get back to that.

So here's the new trend for senior office slaves - no desk at work! Rather than have all your stuff right there, you should have to go on walkabout and if necessary, wrestle it away from a competitor. Need a stapler? Time to forage. What would a hunter-gatherer do? She'd range far and wide throughout her office building and maybe through other buildings downtown, investigating all the usual spots like the desks of younger adversaries. Tension burns calories!

Lunchtime? Chase down a squirrel! The city is full of them!

This is an economic stimlulus! We see a huge marketing opportunity to support a surge in hunter-gatherer supplies from sharp sticks to foraging baskets and knobby hardwood clubs. This is stuff we could manufacture in the USA!

Do I hear you saying that hunting and gathering is too difficult for women and men in their 50's? That's the point! Young people can have offices at work. Their metabolisms are so high, they burn off calories just sitting there, even while they're drinking pop and eating Ho-Ho's all day. Unfair, but there you go. The older you get, the better it will be for your health if you have to scavenge for everything. Hit the road, Gramma. Get off your duff, Gramps! Everything you need is out there, but for the sake of your own health, you've got to go get it.

Spin may be on to something, but I doubt it.

How much physical activity is built into your daily routine?

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