Trial Balloon

Trial Balloon: February 24, 2010 Archive

Tall Tail

Posted at 6:00 AM on February 24, 2010 by Dale Connelly (32 Comments)

I found a crinkly crackly piece of paper stuffed under the office door this morning. It had obviously been very wet and might have been chewed on at one point. The following message was scrawled on it with what appeared to be a toenail dipped in Alpo.

I pity poor Giant George, the dog declared "tallest in the world - ever" by the Guinness Book of Records people.

tall dog.jpg

I am also a VTD (Very Tall Dog) and I have been measured 19 times for the title that Giant George now holds. I was never judged to be "tallest", although the people around me were certain that I was and were very upset when the experts indicated otherwise.
I confess that the very idea of a tall dog contest annoys me. I might have slouched a couple of times out of spite.

Personally, I don't care which dog bears this burden, as long as it's not me. Once you have the title what good is it? You are always looking over your strained, aching shoulder afraid that you'll see another hairy, sloppy face almost on a par with yours but just a little bit higher. And believe me, there is always another big dog on the way. Plus, once you're the champ, there are incrementally shorter canines in various places all over the world panting with excitement at the thought that you might die so they'll have a shot at the big prize. Who needs that kind of pressure? I just want to lie down. And I've noticed that at nap time when you put your face on the floor, we are all roughly the same height.

Speaking of The Floor, I am always disappointed to see how far away it is. The Floor is where my food bowl goes. The Floor is where my water is kept. When somebody drops a piece of chicken or a bagel or a potato chip or a pot roast, it winds up on The Floor and my mouth is always farthest from the action. My neck gets sore from all the bowing and dipping I have to do just to get my meals and stay hydrated.

And the comments! If I hear "Do You Ride Him?" one more time from some yokel who is seeing a VTD for what must be the first time, I will drop a fragrant surprise on his shoe. Yes, I'm a big dog. Get over it.

Speaking on behalf of canines, the Guinness records are all about things that don't matter much to us - Tallest, smallest, oldest, dog with longest ears, fastest dog for opening a non-electric car window (really!), most tennis balls held in mouth (actually kind of interesting), highest jump, etc.

If you asked actual dogs which canine feature or achievement mattered most TO US, it would have something to do with that area right underneath another dog's tail. I don't know that you can objectively measure excellence in that area. It's like judging ice dancing - a lot of it is a matter of opinion but when a good one comes along, boy do you know it! And believe me, we're always checking.

I note that there is no category for angriest letter written by a dog. Too bad!

Sincerely,

Gantry
One Tall Dog

Poor Gantry. I doubt his complaint will make any difference to the record keepers.

I once kept company with a siamese cat who might have won the Guinness title for "Scrawniest Living Feline", if only there had been such a category and we had thought to enter her in the competition.

Have you ever known a record setting animal?

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