Trial Balloon

Trial Balloon: February 16, 2010 Archive

Irate Pirate

Posted at 6:00 AM on February 16, 2010 by Dale Connelly (29 Comments)
Filed under: Captain Billy

Radio Heartland has tickets to see John Hammond at the Dakota in Minneapolis at 7 pm on Sunday, February 28th.

Enter the drawing.
Obey the rules.
Good luck.

This morning I found an announcement lashed to my computer screen with a string of saltwater-stained Mardi Gras beads that were decorated with tiny skulls and crossbones ...

Ahoy, Landlubbers!

Today is Mardi Gras, so ye may feel inclined t' wear feathers an' trade beads an' carry on a bit as befits a person without much in th' way of personal inhibitions regardin' th' habits of modesty an' decorum. So be it, I sez. Ye are free t' indulge in whatever kinds of strange behavior best suits ye.

However, I must caution ye - beware of over reachin' whilst in th' throes of fantasy an' engagin' in antics that may wind up castin' ye in th' role of some kinda un-authentic Mardi Gras Pirate.

Piracy of th' pirate identity ain't only redundant, it's repetitious.

An' ye would not find a true pirate at Mardi Gras. We pirates typically remains aloof from organized merriment of any kind, preferrin' t' create our own celebrations spontaneous-like. An pirates don't cotton much to hobnobbin' with tourists, tho' ye could make th' argument that we is the ultimate tourists ourselves, on account of the fact we never stops movin'.

But th' very thought of participatin' in a parade or shoulderin' our way down Bourbon Street an fightin' through throngs of pasty revelers what comes from places like Eden Prairie an' Owatonna simply t' acquire a overpriced glass o' rum in a festive atmosphere is a notion that is repugnant t' yer typical pirate - just as a typical pirate would be found repugnant by his very nature, were he t' land in Eden Prairie or Owatonna.

Mardi Gras Pirate small.jpg

Th' Mardi Gras celebratin' landlubbers in th' photo here is a good example of un-authenticity. Th' one on th' right looks too happy to be a dead thing, an' the one on th' left appears too thoughtful t' be a true pirate.

A true pirate in a celebratory mood is quite unpleasant t' be around, an' "nasty" don't even begin t' describe th' sight, th' smell, an th' aftertaste of a buccaneer's soiree. Ye would not enjoy it. In fact, we pirates don't enjoy it, but we proceeds with our traditions on account of we has a reputation t' maintain.

A good rule t' follow is this one: Never Impersonate Anyone - especially not Pirates. We will hear of it, an' it will not go easy fer ye should we someday find ourselves face t' face.

That's assumin' of course, that the pirate is able t' stand, an' you ain't able t' run.

Yers in mutual respect,

Capt. Billy of th' Muskellunge

I suspect the good Captain is wasting his time by cautioning this group against piracy of the freewheeling pirate identity. You don't seem like the pirate impersonating type.

But it does make me wonder - what, in your opinion, makes for a good party?

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