Trial Balloon

Trial Balloon: September 30, 2009 Archive

It All Counts

Posted at 5:20 AM on September 30, 2009 by Dale Connelly (24 Comments)

Here's the latest press release from the office of Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota's 9th district (all the water surface area of the state),

My dear constituents,

It's the last day of September and the transition of our district is underway.

Once again we are going from being a fun-filled recreational destination full of boaters and waterskiers and anglers cavorting with their families across the sun-kissed waves of paradise, to being a frozen windy wasteland that is virtually empty except for a few thousand anti-social weekend cavemen, shut inside plywood cages, smoking and staring at the ice.

If you have been with us for the past few months, living on a boat or spending way too much time out on a dock that you are about to pull ashore, thank you for being part of this unique backwater of democracy in action. Before you leave, be sure to mark your calendar for an early return. We need to have you back in residence no later than April 1, 2010. That's the beginning of the next census and in order to remain a viable congressional district, we need to post BIG population numbers across the entire biological spectrum.

Yes, I do see myself as representing all the living things in the bounteous 9th, where fish outnumber the people. I am pushing for the census bureau to count every single resident: the ones with fingers, the ones with fins, the air breathers, the mud dwellers, the chlorophyll classes and even the invasive species.

Yes, it is an uphill battle, but water, as you know, is a great leveler.

Here's how you can help: Plan now to come back early. And when you do, report your status and information accurately. Don't do anything to raise questions about the count! Last time there were far too many 9th districters listed under the names "Wally Trout", "Sunny Fish", and "Al G". If I prevail in my negotiations with the Census Bureau, those names will already be taken. The blooming algae alone may get us another two congressmen!

Please, this is not a joke!

I love the 9th district. I would love to continue as the only person in Congress who represents a liquid district, but unless you take the census seriously and take up residence in time to be counted next spring, I fear for my future.

Our future, I mean.

Yours truly,

Congressmen Loomis Beechly


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