Trial Balloon

Trial Balloon: August 18, 2009 Archive

Stay Awake!

Posted at 5:00 AM on August 18, 2009 by Dale Connelly (12 Comments)

Scientists have uncovered a genetic mutation that makes it possible for some people to get by on less-than-normal amounts of sleep without damaging their health. How long will it be before someone markets a DNA adjustment that will turn night owls into morning people? We need look no futher than Dr. Larry Kyle's back-of-store office at the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.
Here's Genway's latest junk e-mail:

Thumbnail image for Dr. Kyle small .jpg

Attention shoppers!

The special this week is Genway's Circadian Blend Coffee! These beans are loaded with all the genetic instructions necessary to tilt your 24 hour cycles towards the "more awake" end of the scale. And while that's the same thing caffiene does on an hour-by-hour basis, Genway Circadian Blend manages to make the shift a permanent part of your biological profile.

"Don't believe the rumors that we siphoned off a whole bunch of owl DNA for this product," says Genway founder Dr. Larry Kyle. "It wasn't 'a whole bunch'. In fact, it didn't take very much at all."

Circadian Blend replaces Genway's famous but controversial coffee line, "Sumatran Rush", which featured beans enhanced with adrenaline harvested from laboratory rats.

"People loved the thrill of drinking Sumatran Rush," said Dr. Kyle. "But there were complaints about all the reflexive, adrenaline-enhanced feats people were performing without intending to, like spontaneously upending cars and leaping over houses when they simply meant to flinch. It became difficult to control the side effects. With Circadian Blend, reactions are much more predictable. And the animals we used aren't as creepy as rats."

In addition to incorporating extra genetic material from famous low-volume sleepers like owls and giraffes, Genway Circadian Blend actually re-wires your own DNA to give you the advantage cows enjoy of being able to sleep with their eyes open.

"This is a great advance for the average person," said Dr. Kyle. "To be able to sit in a meeting, literally sleeping with your big brown eyes wide open ... that's huge." (Side effects may include obsessive chewing, voluminous methane production and a tendency to stand facing into the wind).

Circadian Blend Coffee! In Diurnal or Nocturnal blends. Get more out of your day the Genway way!

Who here is a coffee drinker? Tea? Other?
Would you try Genway's Circadian Blend?

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