Trial Balloon

Trial Balloon: June 24, 2009 Archive

A Realistic Invitation

Posted at 5:30 AM on June 24, 2009 by Dale Connelly (17 Comments)

Congressman Beechly is walking the line, trying to find a middle ground between the excitement of a pitchman and the responsibility of a public servant. I understand some of his political opponents have lashed him for being "too timid" as a promoter of economic activity, while others have ripped him for "failing to challenge" the reckless behavior of powerful Twin Citians who are only interested in fouling the lake environment and then heading back to their suburban enclaves.

This e-mail arrived yesterday.

My dear potential 9th district visitor,

As the Congressional representative for all the water surface area in the State of Minnesota, I hope to be among the first to welcome you to our beautiful, glittering 9th district, which is currently arrayed in all its summer splendor.

Entering the busy 4th of July camping and boating season, it's especially exciting to see that the 4th is on a Saturday this year, making both the lead-up week and the week following potential extended getaway times for the several Twin Citians who are still employed and might finally be tired of pinching pennies during this economic downturn.

We would be truly delighted to have you here, in spite of some of the grumbling you might overhear from the locals regarding carless fishing habits, random garbage thrown overboard and "too many people milling around" in town. This sort of murmering is simply part of our warm embrace. My constituents say these very same things about each other when you're not here.

So come to Wet Minnesota. Feel at home! Spend money in our bars, restaurants and resorts as if you were doing an expensive remodeling your own house down in the Cities. Really, no price is too extreme when you consider the long-term benefits, not to mention re-sale value. And by re-sale I mean that if you can support our local economy for a week, we can re-sell those same services to somebody else next month.

Finally, don't be intimidated by loose talk regarding invasive species, swimmer's itch, and harmful algae blooms (HAB).

The swimmer's itch situation can be kept under control if you dry yourself off completely right after you exit the water. I would tell you why that's important, but then I'd have to discuss tiny parasites burrowing into your skin and that's not the welcoming image we want to project. Suffice it to say, just like the human population, some of the microscopic residents of the 9th district don't know how to extend a warm welcome.


The Harmful Algae Bloom is an unfortunate name for an environmental feature which is nothing more than a kind of goo that takes on a lovely shade of green, and may not be all that terribly toxic if you don't ingest it or happen to get any of it on you. It is much less threatening when you call it by it's acronym, "HAB", which is also shorthand for one of the most frequently heard invitations down at the local bowling alley: "Have A Beer."

As for invasive species, there's nothing to be afraid of there. In fact, if there ARE any invasive species in the area, you are probably bringing them in with you. So don't be alarmed. If they didn't kill you on the drive from Burnsville, they're not going to harm you when you get to the lake.

Welcome to your summer vacation! Spend as much money as you can, and then some. Remember, you're already financing some very large bailouts on dry land, while the most productive bailout of all doesn't even begin until you step into a your boat on a lovely Minnesota lake.

Kind regards,

The Honorable Loomis Beechly, Congressman, 9th District.

Anyone planning a lake vacation over the Fourth of July?

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