Know Your Pirate Types
Posted at 5:19 AM on April 13, 2009
by Dale Connelly
(32 Comments)
This morning I found a soggy parchment stuck to my desk with a rusty dagger.
To Whom It May Concern:Speaking on behalf of a particular group of pirates, I would assert that not all pirates is the same, and some pirates is especially not interested in takin' hostages an' threatenin' individuals, as seems to be the case recently off'n the coast of Somalia.
Some pirates is content to confine their illegal activities to crimes against property rather than persons. Some pirates finds the takin' of hostages t' be repugnant, an' just plain bad manners.
Some pirates would prefer to accumulate goods in the least harmful way possible, such as pickin' up containers full o' cargo what has already fallen off'n ships, an' of course the old standard - diggin' fer buried treasure.
These certain pirates heretofore would like to be known as "Classic Pirates", distinguished by their colorful garb an' manner of speech along with their well known accoutrements, such as wooden legs, eye patches, an th' occasional parrot.
These other pirates, them what is causin' most of the trouble, might be referred to from here on out as "Modern Pirates". "Modern Pirates" has become so as a result of political upheaval an' desperation, and does not approach piracy as an art form the way we "Classic Pirates" does.
In fact, we would prefer to be known more as performance artists. As such, we would not be adverse to the creation of a reality TV show built around the harmless exploits of certain "Classic Pirates".
An' then there is our earlier proposal, still on the table, of the creation of a Federal Booty Administration, where we would turn our talents towards the findin' an' sharin' of buried treasure with the cash-strapped U.S. Government.
In short, before any escalation in hostilities between the Navy an' all them what carries the moniker "pirate", we the undersigned would wish it to be known that we is definitely not inclined to participate in the aforementioned conflict, and would, instead, prefer to keep our reputation as fun-lovin', though somewhat salty, entertainers.
Sincerely,
Captain Billy
The Crew of the Muskellunge
I sense real fear, even panic in this latest message.
Is there something Captain Billy and the crew can do to demonstrate that they are, in fact, a better variety of pirate?
Comments (32)
Good thing Cap'n Billy wants to distance himself and his cohorts from the Somalian pirates - since some of the Somalian pirates didn't survive their latest acquisition attempt! Fun-lovin, salty and smarter than the average pirate!
Barb -- what's the news? I petted baby goats at the MN Zoo on Friday and have been waiting to hear about Dodger and hopefully new arrival/s ever since!
Good Morning Heartlanders! I'm glad to hear Captn Billy and crew aren't going the way of the Somali pirates. Performance artists in a reality TV show is definitely the way to go.
Perhaps they need a good PR campaign to fix their brand image. Maybe That Guy in The Hat (or other talented blogger/reader/listener) can get things rolling by designing a logo for Captn Billy's distinction of Classic Pirates image. A logo for the ship's flag that clearly demonstrates their character might be in order.
Thanks for show Sat, it was a nice mix of old and new. I loved hearing Bill Holm's voice again; I recall my wonder and delight when I attended a Box Elder Bug performance years ago. Peter Mayer was incredible as usual-especially with the African mix.
Poor Captain Billy, he also will have to distinguish his gang from the pirates of Wall Street. Maybe we should hear music from the classic pirate- Captain Hook who only had to fear Peter Pan and crocodiles, not the US Navy. Oh I know how Capt Billy can survive! He can salvage all the good things that sink in lake in the spring from the cabanas at the Frosty Bottoms resort.
Looking forward to goat maternity news too.
Jenny
good moring, all! the beginning of yet another work week. sometimes i think i'd trade this job in for the life of a "classic pirate".
Thank you, Dale and Mike, for the beautiful Cassandra Wilson singing "The Weight". I loved it.
Also looking forward to the news about goat babies!
Good Morning!
Perhaps a smiley face and cross bones would be the look Captain Billy is going for though I don't yet have Photoshop so I'll not be creatin' it me self maties. I suspect this would set the bar too high but the good captain could just offer to donate half the proceeds of his found treasure to the government bailout on his own to kick off the Federal Booty Administration.
Any chance we could here Lyle Lovett's Pony on a Boat? It could be a pirate pony you know!
Cpatin Billy should be come like Robin Hood and steal from the rich to give to the poor. He could make a gift to Radio Heartland, but I think Dale would have to be careful about how he accepts gifts from Captin Billy due to the tainted nature of Catain Billy's money.
Cpatin Billy should be come like Robin Hood and steal from the rich to give to the poor. He could make a gift to Radio Heartland, but I think Dale would have to be careful about how he accepts gifts from Captin Billy due to the tainted nature of Catain Billy's money.
We can't forget "The Pirates of Penzeance" -- loved Kevin Kline as the Pirate King in the movie. Do you have any of that music in your library?
Love the "Kansas City Star"! May I please request some Roger Miller? Perhaps "In the Summertime".
just in from the barn where, i think, Dodger crosses her legs when i'm not looking. now two days overdue and NO BABIES YET!! checked every two hours thru the night - but a positive sign is that she is standing most of the time now instead of lying comfortably. and she didn't eat much breakfast. sorry for the looooong wait. i'll send Dale a picture asap after the birth.
i agree with Joanne the TGITH should figure out a flag or something so thats the captain and his worthy crew can distinguish themselves from the modern pirates, don'tcha know.
Thanks for the comments and requests, everyone.
I'm looking around to see what we have.
Mark, the Lyle Lovett song would be great to play, except for one line where Tonto says somelthing to the Lone Ranger that violates our broadcast standards for language here at MPR.
It's not his fault - he didn't know.
And besides, it needed to be said.
Good Monday Morning...also waiting to hear from Barb in Blackhoof re: baby goats. She usually checks in early, perhaps she is out in the barn being a midwife even as we wait.
Thanks for playing the Roe Family Singers!!! My kids and I love to listen to them at the Kingfield Farmer's Market in the summer!
Ahoy thar Cap'n
Tis good of you to clarify the categories of pirates. I hale from the plains (southern MN) and I can attest that their are pirates that sail the prairies, too.
I know it is a stretch...but if you can somehow connect Sammy's Bar with the pirates (there is the daighsoe in the song) I could use a dose.
I know it is a stretch...but if you can somehow connect Sammy's Bar with the pirates (there is the daighsoe in the song) I could use a dose.
LOL, I had forgotten that term was in there but perhaps we can get Lyle to record a version where he instead sings kiss my frosty bottom that we could use sort of like a product placement for our envisioned lodge.
I totally understand though it doesn't occur to me that some words are quarantined in a broadcast setting. Good thing it's you and Mike at the controls...
given that i have an 8 yr old boy listening with me much of the time, i'm happy for the standards on air, even if my language can be a bit salty off the air...just not around the kid!
re the crew of the muskellunge---perhaps a display of swordplay would go some distance to show themselves to be true classic pirates---and if they could get Johnny Depp here in his costume as Captain Jack Sparrow, i'd believe anything they said--(right, Donna?)
have a good week, all, and we'll be waiting for the updates, Barb--
Ahoy Thar, Dale
Is there a way one can look back through any of the daily blogs?
I see the 'recent blogs' listing, but if one wanted to see something earlier?
As always, thanks.
Kay H - I'm with you. Can't think of anything I enjoy more than good swashbuckling swordplay and pirates that look like Johnny Depp! That's one of the fun things I enjoy about karate -- I get to play with weapons, too!
I stand corrected and thank Dale for pointing out the flaw in my thinking; of course it would be bad to encourage riding ponies on boats! What ever was I thinking but then since I didn't write the song or perform it, I will beg for clemency...
Sheila,
To access the archives, look to the calendar directly to the right of the Trial Balloon header (it's also directly above the Recent Entries list). If it's a day in April you want to revisit, just click on that date. If it's earlier, click on the drop-down bar that says "April 2009," and choose the month you want. A page will load with teasers for all the entries from that month.
I hope this makes sense!
I should have added a "Yaaarrh" in there somewhere to keep with the pirate theme.
Good suggestion from Mark about the smiley face. Thought of that too. In the end, I opted for something a little more ...overt... considering the probable intentions of the Navy. Dale will probably post it tomorrow.
Of course, logos are only one aspect of a good marketing campaign. I also thought of renaming the flag itself. It could be the "VERY Jolly Roger," the "Jolly Robber," or (particularly for pirating in those upscale waters) the "Jolly Roderick." Don't have a complete picture of what that last one would look like but I know it would have to involve an ascot.
Hm. Not sure about "Modern Pirates" as a name. Perhaps "Gen X Pirates." And as for the "Classic Pirates," how about a pronunciation change? Since "Classic Pirates" are all about making you lose weight (by lightening your load) and making you tighten your belt, they could call themselves "Pilates Pirates" (pi-lah-teez pi-rah-teez). They can tie it in with the whole health trend AND do one of those "back to basics" ad campaigns. Where's Spin Williams when I need him?
TGitHat -- those are great ideas! I was laughing. Not sure which ad house you came from, but I'm sure they're missing you. And you're quick, too -- no milking out the billing! My first secretarial job many moons ago was at Martin/Williams Advertising. Are they even around anymore?
TGitHat -- I agree completely w/ Joanne,,, you do NOT need Spin Williams. Last week's spa marketing was fabulous and I'm laughing out loud today. I almost don't want you to get another job, because then you won't have time for us!
Kris
Thanks for the tech advice.
And a joke fer th' whole lot o' ya:
What do pirate captains do with their ship when they go to sleep?
They put it on Auto-pirate!
....groan.....
Getting a slightly clearer picture of a Jolly Roderick. Skull with outside slanted eye sockets (for that "playing tennis with Muffy" look), a Donald Trumpian hair helmet on top, ascot under the squared-off jaw, and, instead of long bones or swords underneath...crossed toothpicks with olives on the outsides. I can just see the captain saying a Jim Backus/Mr. Howell style voice, "I say, heave to and mix me another shaker of martinis. Not so much vermouth this time or it'll go on your permanent record."
Never worked for a marketing/advertising agency. Wanted to. Would still love to. Got a marketing degree but couldn't ever get an agency to give me the time of day. ...lament, lament, lament...
Did someone say Johnny Depp?
Remember back in January when Cap'n Billy got all pissed off because Dale and his giddy bloggers were paying homage to past captains of kid's TV shows who he said were really just imposters, and that this misrepresentation of themselves on the impressionable minds of children was a horrible crime? Ever since then, I've had it in my head that Captain Billy should be the next Captain Kangaroo. Now, today, more than ever! What better way to secure his 'fun-lovin' reputation than to win the affections of noisy, excited and unruly children? Granted, some of his crew will probably need to hold him down the first few times the little tykes are allowed to climb on him, but I bet before long, he'd warm up to it. I can almost picture them rapping on his peg leg, poking at his hand hook to feel how sharp, and taking peeks under his eye patch. He could even teach them some watered-down pirate talk!
Donna, in a rational world, this would surely come to pass.
Thanks for painting such a vivid picture of the Captain and his undersized crew!
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