Gollum's Rant
Posted at 5:14 AM on April 15, 2009
by Dale Connelly
(27 Comments)
Today is tax day, so be sure to get your complaining in before sundown. Cranking about taxes is a grand American right and a great tradition, though you can too easily let it consume your life until it is the only thing you think about and pretty much the only thing you have to say.
For some unknown reason I was taken over yesterday by the idea of a rant about taxes from Gollum. In Lord of the Rings, Gollum is a pitiful creature so twisted by his obsessive love for the ring (his precious), he loses sight of everything else. And he has a charming (almost Captain Billy-like) way of speaking, adding 'es to words that already end in s, which lends a slithery sibilance to our tax talk on this April 15th.
We knows this much about taxes -
Just like waterfowlses quackses
and the Scouts forms into packses,
Taxes, moonlike, mostly waxes.Waning ain't what taxes does.
Like sweaters don't absorb their fuzz,
and rain don't ever rise, because
a tax ain't happy where it was.It wants to remedy all illses
And our fondest dreams fullfillses
So it growses towards the needses
Grows like flowers. Grows like weedses.Up, up, up the taxes goeses,
Up like fingers into noses.
Up like spiders goes to roses,
Lint, collecting where your toes is.Ugly things, we hates them more
Than slime and bugs and dirt and war.
Though there's no tax we don't abhor
We likes what they's collected for.At least those services we chooses
All the things we needs and uses.
All the rest - too bad. They loses.
Let 'em whimper to the newses.On the day we pays, we wretches
That's the feeling tax day fetches
Like what's rotten hates what fresh is.
Taxes! Blah! We loves our precious!
Whew! Glad that's over.
Happier thoughts - the final (unofficial) tally for Goat Vote '09, naming the new buckling at Barb's - is as follows:
There were ten votes for "Artful" - by far the largest vote getter.
Other names mentioned were Pascuale, Country Boy Eddie, Lucky, Oliver, Fagan, Roger, Dickens, Buck, Trolley, Sullivan, Bum and Jeeves.
Barb has indicated she also likes "Artful", so that name has a lot of momentum right now. Here's another picture of the little fellow.
Try it on him, just to see if it fits.
Comments (27)
Dale- it amazes me - the energy and talent you give to us each day. you and Mike make our mornings so pleasant and amusing. you work hard for us - thank you! your tax poem a la Gollum is perfect!
Artie and Tammy got their first trip out into the sun yesterday afternoon, with their attentive Mom muttering to them, softly, little motherly pieces of advice (like maybe "this apple tree makes a good snack" or "be careful to place your poops so that the Big Ones will step or kneel in it")
Thank you everyone for your name ideas; i'm glad Artful won but i loved reading all of the other clever ideas also! Thanks
Quet today -everyone must be doing taxes! Congratulations Barb! Artful (trying name on for size) is a cutie. And if any animal would appreciate wit it would be a goat. Why are we so fascinated with these agile creatures. Because they can go anywhere they want (upwards anyway)? May the taxes be done soon so we can better savor spring.
Jenny
Good morning, Heartlanders, and thanks, Dale, for bringing a spot of cheer to each and every morning.
Will we be hearing The Beatles "Taxman"? I'm wondering what other songs there are that reference taxes or those who collect them.
Good morning RH,
Infant goats are way cuter than newborn armadillos - are you with me heartlanders? What a doll!
Dale, I don't know anyone who can gollum out a poem like you! Hope you don't mind me sharing this excerpt of a first grader's account of her holiday weekend:
I love mackin Easter eggs!!!! Easter is my 2nd favorit holladay. And I like the Easter bunny to. Becaus he givs us plastick Easter eggs and love and hope. I lik him as a friend so much.
Good Morning!
I have the good fortune to have my taxes so far back in my rear view mirror that I can scarcely think of them. Nice capture of the Gollum spirit!
Great picture of Artful, and talking about capturing the right spirit, Dodger's murmurings to Artful are spot on. At least I know that some of my dogs have had that advice from somewhere, likely their mom.
So with such a beautiful day dawning, even if it is tax day, this day will be glorious and I hope everyone has a chance to spend at least a few moments out in it.
Greetings Heartlanders! I'm with Mark -- taxes done long ago, refund came and spent. Life goes on.
And Artie is ssooooo adorable! Thanks for picture and poem, Dale. It's going to be a lovely day ...
Artie is good, Artful is sort of formal
thanx for the Beatles song
does anyone out there have dogs? probly more dogs than goats
my dog Grace is having surgery today so she is heavy on my mind, she's a good puppy with hip problems
also, Dale, you do treat us to good words every morning, thank you for that
i'm not much of a blog person but i do listen every morning (on my hd radio!)
You don't have to apologize for speaking for Gollum, Dale. Good stuff.
I've had a good tax day, and I'm wondering how to spend it. How about a little "Vegas, Baby" by the Weepies?
Adorable Artful Artie...I often wonder if children are called kids because goat kids are so cute. Then...along the same thought lines...are kids (both species) so cute so we bond with them with enough care and love to carry us through those times when they get troublesome (both species)? Are children called kids because they are equally mischievous, curious, playful and seeking adventures?
musings for the morning...
Gollum- loved him even though he was pretty creepy, and totally obsessed with his 'precious'. Now he will forever be connected with tax day, Dale! Very fun to read your poem.
A couple of additional songs that might help us get through the 15th:
Can't Buy Me Love - the Beatles
But I Have You - Connie Caldour
More musings on goats...
The Prayer of the Goat
Lord, let me live as I will!
I need a little wild freedom,
A little giddiness of heart,
The strange taste of unknown flowers.
For whom else are Your mountains?
Your snow wind? These springs?
The sheep do not understand
They graze and graze, all of them,
And always in the same direction,
And then eternally chew the cud of
Their insipid routine.
But I -- I love to bound to the heart of all Your Marvels, leap Your chasms, and,
My mouth stuffed with intoxicating grasses,
Quiver with an adventurer's delight
On the summit of the world! Amen
--Carmen Bernos De Gasztold
(with some liberties with the line breaks by me)
I loved the gollum poem. I've always felt kind of sorry for the poor little thing but the poem was great.
My taxes are all done but not spent. I'm saving every penny just in case. Right now, it's just nice to have a job and to be able to pay taxes!
Oh, no, I don't want all my possessions to follow me to the other shore or if they did, I would consider myself to have ended up in the wrong place :-(
Shelley - yup there are other dog listeners out here in Radio Heartland we just play second fiddle to the goats and unless someone has puppy pictures we just can't compete. My pooch sends healing thoughts to yours and hopes she can join him snow dancing next winter when her new hips are fully healed.
i promise i won't say another thing about goats after this: Artie has already proven his name. when i got out there this morning there is little Tammy W. with Dodger. where is Artie? Dodger is murmuring in a worried way. the big boys next door are running around as usual but what is that little, black thing? hard to see in the dark.... IT"S ARTIE!! he's in the big boys' pen and Nibby is practicing soccer moves on him!
kids are like mice - they can somehow climb thru the smallest holes - i haven't found the hole he climbed thru but i secured the pen with barricades which they will happily spend the morning trying to overcome.
he's back in the pen with Dodger and he's resting from his trials in his little "cave" (a storage container tipped on its side) Artful indeed.
Cool American/Indian mix song, Dale! I knew you'd come up with something interesting! And I was very impressed with how the Indian names just flowed out of your mouth! We'll have to ask for something else once Rumani ("Roo-mah-nee") arrives in mid-August! Thank you!
Thanks, Amy, but don't be too impressed with my pronunciation of Indian names. In the time-honored radio guy tradition, I am faking it with confidence.
And thanks for the poem, Cynthia. I especially like the line about eternally chewing "the cud of their simple routine".
Speaking of poems, did anyone make it to the Bill Holm tribute at the Fitzgerald last night? I was there and it was fantastic. There was a great, warm feeling in the hall.
Oh, no, I don't want all my possessions to follow me to the other shore or if they did, I would consider myself to have ended up in the wrong place :-(
Shelley - yup there are other dog listeners out here in Radio Heartland we just play second fiddle to the goats and unless someone has puppy pictures we just can't compete. My pooch sends healing thoughts to yours and hopes she can join him snow dancing (as seen on my blog) next winter when her new hips are fully healed.
Yes, Shelley; our thoughts are with you on this day of waiting. It's hard when our pooches or (insert companion animal here) are ill. Maybe you can get a bowser bed for puppy when it gets home? :+)
Dale, you are making my morning!! Now Brasilian music! Awesome!
yes, Shelly - we are thinking of you and your doggie. hope those hips are in good form soon, and Gracie is running in the grass and enjoying the sun.
i vote for Mark as our "Eternal Optimist" blogger - always something cheery to say - is it all that activity that keeps you happy, Mark?
and that poem, Cynthia was simply fabulous - thanks for sharing it!
and Donna - what a sweet first grader moment! yes, i think they are cute because it helps us thru the difficult moments, Cynthia.
Shelley...I meant to send my thoughts your way...I have a dog sitting next to me telling me it's time to go feed horses and chickens (oh, and the cats, so he can lick the empty can).
Dale, I was just thinking of the Bill Holm event, well, actually, I was reading the mpr.org entry and it sounded fabulous! Do you know, will it be put into a broadcast sometime soon?
Yes, Cynthia, the Holm & Friends event will be broadcast on MPR's Classical music stations this Saturday night at 7, and on the news stations Sunday night at 6!
Dale, I’m with you on the Leonard Cohen, didn’t care for him at first, but boy did he grow on me!
A couple of other artists that hit me that way are Johnny Cash; (funny you’re playing “Let’s go everywhere” right now) love him now! And more recently, I just got it with Lucinda Williams, her song “Are You Alright” hit me like a ton of bricks and now I appreciate the sound of her voice and what she has to say. Could you play that one?
Thanks.....
Shelly, sending Love & healing energy to your puppy. They bring so much joy all we can do is try and give them as much Love as they give us. She'll be up and around before you know it!
oops.....
Just caught what time it is............where did the morning go?
Dale, Maybe tomorrow for the Lucinda Williams?
Morning Heartlanders.... too many issues this morning, just logging on NOW.
Shelley... two more pups and a kitty (Thorin, Rhiannon & Zorro) sending healing thoughts in your good pup's direction.
Barb -- thanks for the new picture and the story of Artie's antics. Never too much of that!
Looking forward to hearing the show when it repeats. Like Mark & Joanne, tax season for me has come and gone (standing appointment w/ my tax guy the first Tuesday of every February!) but can't wait to hear what Dale & Mike come up with!
Have a GREAT day all.
Gee Barb, thanks for the "Eternal Optimist" tag, I appreciate it! The activity sure helps but I think it's the positive attitude that's the main ingredient. We get to choose what we think so why not pick uplifting thoughts and if you run out I've got spares!
Shelly
I hope your pooch pulls through in great fashion.
You might say we have dogs, or rather that the Rat Terriers have us. Since a great friend bestowed Lido (the legendary) on our late daughter, Laural (in about 98)--we have been running with the (Rat) pack ever since.
Let us know how Grace does.
Barb in Blackhoof
You're a great kidder. Hooray for the spring wether (& doe)!
Happy day to all.
Sheila
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