Trial Balloon

Trial Balloon: April 30, 2009 Archive

The Ominous Puffball

Posted at 5:15 AM on April 30, 2009 by Dale Connelly (27 Comments)

In his press conference last night, President Obama talked about the surprisingly large number of challenges his administration has had to face in its first 100 days, most recently a possible flu epidemic and troubling instability in Pakistan.

He listed a few other emerging catastrophes, but said nothing about the dreaded menace that is most on my mind right now - one that is about to appear under our very feet.


They are coming and they are relentless and they will not stop until they cover the landscape. Entirely.

Since the president has put forward no coherent, multi-billion dollar federal plan to confront this literally emerging threat, I will be lunging at these infidels all weekend with a fork-ended metal impaler. Wearing anti-swine flu coveralls, if necessary.

I want these invaders to understand that I will show no mercy and will subject them to every form of persuasion available to get them to leave my yard and go to somebody else's, preferably a yard downwind from mine. And when I say "every form of persuasion" will be used, I mean every form short of chemical warfare, which I oppose because it smells bad.

But will I resort to torture? I will, even though it means casting all my moral guidelines aside. What sort of torture? I have no idea. I don't think they feel pain. And water just encourages them.


I suspect the form of torture I'm going to try will amount to self-torture, primarily in my shoulders, knees and lower back.

Life would be easier if I could learn to live with them, if not love them.
But how does one do that?

How do you feel about dandelions?

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