Trial Balloon

Trial Balloon: April 28, 2009 Archive

To Every Panic a Season

Posted at 5:20 AM on April 28, 2009 by Dale Connelly (49 Comments)

First things first! Radio Heartland is presenting the sold out Colin Hay - Peter Mulvey concert at the Cedar Cultural Center this coming Friday, May 1st.
Even though there are no tickets left for the general public, we have 4 pairs to give away to Radio Heartland listeners. There are rules and regulations, of course.
Enter your name between now and 1 p.m. Wednesday afternoon.
We will inform the winners after the window of opportunity closes, and announce the names Thursday morning!

In case you're wondering, the Swine Flu Virus has NOT been invited to the concert. Here's a further word of reassurance from our staff expert on the subject, Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty:

At ease, Civilians! I say this because it is not yet time to panic.

Panic is a state of wild disorder characterized by emotional displays and irrational actions. Panic can be worse than the thing you are panicking about.

For this reason we strongly advise against panic at this time. Were a premature, unauthorized panic to begin, it would truly be a cause for panic, since people in a panic are dangerous and unpredictable.

When it is time to panic, we will issue each American a personal panic advisory that will escalate through three animal-themed stages.


  1. Panic stage one is called "A Bear In The Woods": "Bear" level has been declared, panickers are advised to withdraw from all human contact and refuse to eat or get out of bed.
  2. Panic stage two is called "A Lion at the Gates". Under "Lion", panickers may shift to a defensive mode, setting up an imposing perimeter around their abode.
  3. Panic stage three is called "A Pig At The Door": At "Pig" level, reccomended activities include weeping with fear, tearing at your clothes and running naked through the streets.


You will be informed concerning which specific panic stage you are required to reach, and when. Be advised that you and your neighbors may be assigned different levels of panic at the same time, so take your cues from official sources, and not what you may see occurring out your window.

The Swine Flu is a concern that must be taken seriously, but it is not an epidemic yet.
However, Swine Flu paranoia is already at very high levels.

If you feel yourself being swept away by worry and your head feels light and extremely hot with concern, drink plenty of water. Drink so much water that you have to stay home to be near your bathroom. That may well be the safest place, which is odd, since the bathroom is where most in-the-home accidents occur.

Observe the standfard precautions. Do not stand up in a wet tub, and do not watch TV in there, it's bad for your health. Water and small plug-in appliances do not mix.

And remember - unauthorized panic spreads electronically!

Yours in Health & Safety,
Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

Has anyone been assigned a personal panic stage yet? Bear, Lion, Pig? Other?

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