Trial Balloon

Trial Balloon: April 15, 2009 Archive

Gollum's Rant

Posted at 5:14 AM on April 15, 2009 by Dale Connelly (27 Comments)

Today is tax day, so be sure to get your complaining in before sundown. Cranking about taxes is a grand American right and a great tradition, though you can too easily let it consume your life until it is the only thing you think about and pretty much the only thing you have to say.

For some unknown reason I was taken over yesterday by the idea of a rant about taxes from Gollum. In Lord of the Rings, Gollum is a pitiful creature so twisted by his obsessive love for the ring (his precious), he loses sight of everything else. And he has a charming (almost Captain Billy-like) way of speaking, adding 'es to words that already end in s, which lends a slithery sibilance to our tax talk on this April 15th.

We knows this much about taxes -
Just like waterfowlses quackses
and the Scouts forms into packses,
Taxes, moonlike, mostly waxes.

Waning ain't what taxes does.
Like sweaters don't absorb their fuzz,
and rain don't ever rise, because
a tax ain't happy where it was.

It wants to remedy all illses
And our fondest dreams fullfillses
So it growses towards the needses
Grows like flowers. Grows like weedses.

Up, up, up the taxes goeses,
Up like fingers into noses.
Up like spiders goes to roses,
Lint, collecting where your toes is.

Ugly things, we hates them more
Than slime and bugs and dirt and war.
Though there's no tax we don't abhor
We likes what they's collected for.

At least those services we chooses
All the things we needs and uses.
All the rest - too bad. They loses.
Let 'em whimper to the newses.

On the day we pays, we wretches
That's the feeling tax day fetches
Like what's rotten hates what fresh is.
Taxes! Blah! We loves our precious!

Whew! Glad that's over.

Happier thoughts - the final (unofficial) tally for Goat Vote '09, naming the new buckling at Barb's - is as follows:

There were ten votes for "Artful" - by far the largest vote getter.
Other names mentioned were Pascuale, Country Boy Eddie, Lucky, Oliver, Fagan, Roger, Dickens, Buck, Trolley, Sullivan, Bum and Jeeves.

Barb has indicated she also likes "Artful", so that name has a lot of momentum right now. Here's another picture of the little fellow.
Try it on him, just to see if it fits.


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