This morning I found a soggy parchment stuck to my desk with a rusty dagger.
To Whom It May Concern:
Speaking on behalf of a particular group of pirates, I would assert that not all pirates is the same, and some pirates is especially not interested in takin' hostages an' threatenin' individuals, as seems to be the case recently off'n the coast of Somalia.
Some pirates is content to confine their illegal activities to crimes against property rather than persons. Some pirates finds the takin' of hostages t' be repugnant, an' just plain bad manners.
Some pirates would prefer to accumulate goods in the least harmful way possible, such as pickin' up containers full o' cargo what has already fallen off'n ships, an' of course the old standard - diggin' fer buried treasure.
These certain pirates heretofore would like to be known as "Classic Pirates", distinguished by their colorful garb an' manner of speech along with their well known accoutrements, such as wooden legs, eye patches, an th' occasional parrot.
These other pirates, them what is causin' most of the trouble, might be referred to from here on out as "Modern Pirates". "Modern Pirates" has become so as a result of political upheaval an' desperation, and does not approach piracy as an art form the way we "Classic Pirates" does.
In fact, we would prefer to be known more as performance artists. As such, we would not be adverse to the creation of a reality TV show built around the harmless exploits of certain "Classic Pirates".
An' then there is our earlier proposal, still on the table, of the creation of a Federal Booty Administration, where we would turn our talents towards the findin' an' sharin' of buried treasure with the cash-strapped U.S. Government.
In short, before any escalation in hostilities between the Navy an' all them what carries the moniker "pirate", we the undersigned would wish it to be known that we is definitely not inclined to participate in the aforementioned conflict, and would, instead, prefer to keep our reputation as fun-lovin', though somewhat salty, entertainers.
The Crew of the Muskellunge
I sense real fear, even panic in this latest message.
Is there something Captain Billy and the crew can do to demonstrate that they are, in fact, a better variety of pirate?