Trial Balloon

Trial Balloon: February 18, 2009 Archive

Federal Booty Administration

Posted at 4:56 AM on February 18, 2009 by Dale Connelly (22 Comments)

Received early today on a seawater-soaked cassette tape via carrier pigeon from Captain Billy, and transcribed by me in something approaching pirate lingo:

It has come t' my attention that there is a sudden an' immediate need for "shovel ready" work projects what can be put into action as quick as possible t' burn up fresh stimulus dollars.

While it don't take a genius t' figure out that a large portion of said dollars is likely t' go t' such mundane pursuits as buildin' bridges an' fixin' roadways, I proposes that at least a tiny share of this mighty windfall be diverted into a line of "shovel ready" work that could, if 'n th' winds of fortune be kind, pay for itself in short order.

Diggin' fer buried treasure!

As we pirates of th' high seas is well aware, th' whole world is awash in treasure what has been secreted underground in all manner of places, from delightful sandy beaches t' th' windiest peaks of th' most frozen mountainous terrain. Fugitives from justice such as ourselves has historically chosen t' submerge our winnings in th' earth rather than hand it over when authorities finally catches up. Tradition demands that a map be left an' that said map falls into th' hands of one who feels eerily compelled t' seek th' treasure, regardless of risk.

That someone is myself.

I has, over th' years, accumulated many maps markin' th' sketchy whereabouts of various fortunes, from th' famous Yellow Rubies of Jaundiced Jeff, t' th' Golden Trinkets of One-Eye Baines an' th' Legendary Lost Marbles of King Lumpy.
There is more diggin' t' be done than me boys of th' Muskellunge can possibly attempt. However, I am willin' t' share this information with th' government of th' USA in th' interests of puttin' millions of strong arms an' willin' backs t' work immediately.

Th' potential payback is staggerin', an I believes that indulgin' in th' fevered quest fer sudden, random wealth matches up pretty good with th' job skills an' experience of many millions of idle Americans, especially them what formerly held jobs on Wall Street.
An' as a gesture of my magnanimosity, I is willin' t' sign over all th' proceeds of this impendin' avalanche of money t' th' noble task of reimbursin' th' taxpayers!

All I asks for myself is that I be made overseer of th' entire effort, carryin' th' personal title "Secretary of Spoils", with jurisdiction over a new department - th' Federal Booty Administration. Me boys would, of course, hold all th' key offices in th' FBA, an' they would report directly t' me when they wasn't out scourin' th' countryside for all variety of booty.

T' hold a steady government job has long been my dream, an' if I can help th' American nation climb out of its current morass with a Booty Administration of which they can be rightly proud, then it is my privilege, nay, my duty, t' do so!

Awaitin' yer response,
Captain Billy (an' th' crew).

Heartlanders, you are at the head of the line.
Who would like to work with Captain Billy in the new F.B.A.?
I'm sure you all feel shovel ready, but what qualifications do you bring to this important task?

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