Posted at 2:05 PM on June 14, 2007
by Tom Scheck
Admit it, these summer days got you thinking far far ahead to 2010. That's the year when the Twins move from that armpit smelling, over inflated tent they call the Metrodome to an outdoor ballpark. The word "ballpark" even makes it sound better than a "stadium."
Anyway, back to the issue at hand -- outdoor baseball. It's gonna be nice isn't it? You can sit in the stands with a mixture of sun and breeze in your face. You can't wait, can you?
There is just one drawback that could ruin that overall "gameday experience" that Twins executives were so fond of using when they were lobbying for a public subsidy. It's an epidemic that is sweeping baseball nation. Comerica Park in Detroit and Jacobs Field in Cleveland are being invaded by SEAGULLS!
The folks at Comerica Park in Detroit are doing everything they can to get rid of these rats with wings. These suckers are impeding play. Pitchers are stepping off the mound because a seagull is flying in front of a batter. Fielders have to chase the birds off the diamond (but not former Tiger Cecil Fielder because he's so big that he don't chase nothin').
It's gotten so bad that the crew has brought in specially trained English labs. This may seem like a great idea. Bring in a few high energy dogs to chase the seagulls away. I have one piece of advice:
The English labs are not going to do much good.
How do I know? I have an English lab who isn't too interested in the whole chasin' thing. Oban (yes, he's named after the single malt scotch) is making a career of sitting on my back porch and staring at all of the bunny rabbits that chew on my flowers, my vegetables and my sanity. Oban isn't interested in chasing the rabbits just staring at them. The line for the ice cream line is going to be much longer than the seagull chasing line if these "specially trained labs" are anything like Oban
Ok, so why does this matter for you Twins fans? Well, apparently these birds have been attracted to the park because there are plenty of bugs there. The entire cycle of life thing is interesting but makes the entire place look trashy. And that is what makes me worry because the ballpark is going to be shoe-horned right next to a trash burning facility. Now, I'm not a bug expert but I'm pretty sure that bugs like trash. Gulls like bugs. I'm hoping you're making the connection here.
One suggestion that was used at the Old Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia (talk about a trash incinerator). Cats for the gulls that eat the birds. Cats. That's an animal that may get Oban out of the ice cream line...