Posted at 7:44 AM on August 21, 2006
by David Zingler
WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush surprised many over the weekend by all but guaranteeing a Twins World Series victory.
"The last time the Minnesota Twins had a player hit 30 homeruns was 1987 and they won the World Series," the president pointed out. "Earlier this month, Justin Morneau, a fine young American, hit his 30th homerun of the season. That means the Twins are going to win the World Series this year, it is the only logical conclusion that can be reached."
When an alert reporter quickly pointed out that Morneau is Canadian, Bush shrugged off the mistake as "bad intelligence."
"It is important to also remember that in 1987 there was a Republican, Ronald Reagan, in the White House," Bush continued. "Last time I checked I am still a Republican."
"We not only know the Twins will win the World Series," Cheney told Tim Russert. "We know how many games it will take."
Russert however, seemed less interested in baseball predictions than other issues facing the nation. When he pressed Cheney on Iraq, the vice president stayed on message, "The people of Minnesota should expect a victory parade strewn with rose pedals this fall."
Staying on the offensive, the president sent a delegation, led by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, to meet with baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Rice gave a presentation using charts, graphs, photos and a vile of pixie dust that was allegedly sprinkled on the Twins.
Selig thanked Rice, but remained unconvinced, "We appreciate Secretary of State Rice taking the time to visit with us." the commissioner said. "But we are committed to staying the course and letting the season play itself out."
Too bad they have Bob Shrum working for them.