Posted at 9:11 AM on April 28, 2005
by David Zingler
Yesterday it was the NFLís turn to face congress, but unlike Major League Baseballís grilling in March, a love fest ensued. Through a top secret source we have obtained a partial transcript of the proceedings. You wonít get this on CSPAN.
Congressperson A: Hello Commissioner, we would like to congratulate you for overseeing the greatest sports league in the history of our nation. Your league has done more to promote violence, objectify women and expedite the dumbing down of our culture than any other organized sport in this countryís history. Thank you.
Congressperson B: Donít forget about steroids. The NFL does not tolerate steroids Ė no way, no how.
NFL Commissioner: Why thank you. Our players are such great athletes that they can become 300 lb. super beasts who run the 40 yard dash in less than five seconds without the aid of performance enhancing drugs. It saddens me to see such a problem in baseball, the freakish growth of Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and Mark McGwire should have served as a red flag for that sport long ago.
Congressperson A: Thereís no doubt about that Commissioner; itís a disgrace. Again, I would like to commend you for your well run league. Other than Los Angeles, our nationís largest metropolitan area, you have teams in all of the major media markets and besides a few incidents of domestic violence and an occasional murder conviction; your players are great role models for our youth.
Congressperson B: Donít forget about the Pro Bowl. Even though itís played a week after the Super Bowl, no other all star game can match its drama.
NFL Commissioner: Thank you.
Congressperson A: Itís apparent to me that there is no reason to question the policies of your impeccable institution. Instead, my constituents are more interested in your take of their teamís performance in last weekendís draft.
Posted at 4:49 PM on April 28, 2005
by David Zingler
In case you were wondering, Corky's last hit was off the Brewers' Victor Santos on September 11, 2004. Miller's Reds won the game 9-0, and the single knocked Santos out of the game. It was his first big league hit since September 18, 2003.