Commentary
With her husband home from Afghanistan, she had a struggle of her own to face
by Lisa Kruse-RoblesLisa Kruse-Robles is a mother, wife, makeup artist and graphic designer. She is a source in MPR News' Public Insight Network.
It's taken me almost a year to write this last installment to my series of commentaries about being the family of a deployed soldier. I look back on those writings now and can see the steady decline of self throughout.
I have a feeling that some people will look on this installment and find my words deplorable. Others may find hope and strength. I hope for the latter.
Alcoholism is sneaky. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. How could I — the cancer-surviving girl with a beautiful family, lots of friends, and a quirky style — have fallen into its trap?
I celebrated (yes, celebrated, quietly) eight months of sobriety last week. The night of my last drunk was pretty bad ... bad enough that it stopped me from drinking just one more after almost 30 years of drink.
I was a happy, slurry drunk. Not an emotional wreck. I was giggly and goofy. So, why did I stop? Because alcohol became something I planned my day around. Alcohol graduated from a "few beers for fun" to lots of beers for pseudo-fun.
Cheap beer became more than just an enhancement to an evening; it became the evening.
It's all still a sensitive topic for me, because I know I wasn't the best mom, the best wife, or even a good friend for the last few years of it. My main source of shame is on behalf of my kids. I can't imagine what things were like for them when Mommy was hung over. Sure, I made them food and got them to school (most of the time), but I was nonexistent, all the same.
My drinking started earlier and earlier in the day. I wouldn't get sloppy until after the kids were in bed. Then it was time for the par-tay! And that party consisted of me and Facebook. What fun.
I coped with my two cancers through beer. I coped with my husband's deployment to Afghanistan with beer. I drowned myself in beer.
I wonder, are there many other military spouses who find themselves spiraling downward? How many of us keep quiet on the issues that plague us? In truth, I think there are quite a few of us who live in silence — for fear of admitting the truth and feeling the backlash. And trust me, the fear of the backlash is almost worse than the actual thing. I now find freedom in admitting what I did; and that freedom is enabling me to move forward in hope.
The pressure of being a soldier's wife took me by surprise. I'm thoroughly ashamed — as I should be. My poor husband was in the farthest mountains of Afghanistan and had to maintain his focus, while having a feeling that his wife was burying herself. But, the few times we spoke, I would be my cheerful self, not wanting to make things harder for him. I didn't think about his return, though — and how much he would have to face when he got home. Again, I am ashamed.
Yet I am no longer the person stuck in that awful web of disease. I can actually remember my yesterdays — which is new for me.
It will take a long time to work through my addiction, one day at a time. I'm spending my days now being present, being a part of my beautiful family. I can see them now, appreciate them, love them fully. I recognize how the active presence of Mom affects my boys — in a wonderfully good way.
I will lose my family if I choose to drink again. I will lose myself if I make that choice. I need to remember that alcoholism can creep up in the most patient and deceptive way. As long as I remember that, I'm hoping to remain sober.
I'm often amazed at the women I meet in recovery — women I never would have expected to see there. I'd truly thought I was the only one. I've learned to not pass judgment on people for pieces of their life I know nothing about.
I always felt I would be missing out on something big if I weren't buzzed at a party. What would I do for my birthday? Or for New Year's? I couldn't fathom it. Now, I realize I was missing out. By drinking.
Comments (8)
Lisa, I find your words, not deplorable...but full of hope!
Your honesty and transparency is refreshing. Such a personal and sensitive subject to address openly; you are a woman of great strength!
So many of us bury our fear (HB gone and in harm's way), anxiety and stress with a number of addictions in an attempt to cope (or not), thereby shielding ourselves from real pain. In reality, we actually stunt our own growth, prolonging the misery and then never fully address our personal struggles. We often unknowingly, spiral downwards, creating a path of wreckage, bringing the ones we love, along with us.
It takes great courage for the incapacitated individual, to not only conduct an honest self-appraisal, but then follow it up with a necessary program of action. Taking these actions routinely, produces a life-changing experience, which then creates a drastic shift of perception, facilitating the journey, to deal with life on lifeâs terms. Until then, there can be no true happiness.
It is work, but (as it sounds youâre realizing), they will never have enjoyed life so much or have been more full-filled.
I don't deplore you, I applaud you.
I wish you continued growth and strength, while you learn who you are and understand what you are capable of. All the best...as you trudge the road of happy destiny.
Oh Lisa! I too went through alcoholism while bringing up my children. I can tell you that it is embarrassing to write, but I drank all the time. I can totally empathize with you. I was brought up in a drinking family, and thought it was how you were as an adult. It took me until I was 40 years old to stop drinking. You are not alone, and it's not only military wives or husbands. We do it because. And then, when we stop, it's BECAUSE! I hope that makes sense..all my love and prayers are with you and your family!!
Dee
Dearest Lisa,
Thank you for sharing your story so tenderly and honestly. Your courage and determination is inspiring. I know that your willingness to candidly tell your story will save lives. Thanks for opening the door for all of us to see your struggles. One day at a time sister.
Beautiful words, Lisa!
"Alcoholism can creep up in the most patient and deceptive way". Wow! That is spot on!
I am so very ha
Thank you all for such an incredible outpouring of support. I honestly didn't expect to receive anything like this.
It's becoming so much more clear to me that many of us live in secret with our 'hurts' or addictions - and boy, what a lonely place it is.
I could go on-and-on about the choices I've made with the sincere hope that someone may feel less alone.... but, I have a feeling that my words should be done now. It's my turn to listen to others instead of have them listen to me. My story is only a small fraction of how addiction can alter everything in such small ways that over time, we become invisible to ourselves - and those small ways have made us a shadow of ourselves.
My purpose is to continue living my life according to the reality of my past and the dedication toward my future. My family has lovingly blessed me with support in ways that I am shocked and awed. To be loved like this is what I had always wanted, but tried to find in a bottle. I've no need for a bottle now - just the fellowship of incredible women I encounter at my meetings, my sponsor, and as always, my one-and-only Higher Power - Jesus.
There is something however that I would like to end with: until I CHOSE to place my sobriety and mental health BEFORE everything else, nothing else around me was going to work as it should. I had to put myself first in order to make myself last.... if that makes any sense. There's no passive-aggressive act here.... but a simple willingness to become healthy.
I am a mother of an a dughter once married to someonr in the military. She went through 5 miscarriages alone, back surgery alone, tubal pregnancy surgercy alone, kidney stone surgery alone. It got to the point that she barely got out of bed. Did she drink? Yes. People have no idea what military wives go through. It is as if your life is put on hold. My daughter finally got out. She put up with a lot of abuse besides. But military wives need to be applauded, and they need to be applauded by their husbands! And never hesitate to ask for help when you need it, and you will. God bless.
Brave, brave piece.
gorgeous letter wonderful Petite Lisa .. words full of hope. COURAGE, we are all with you in these difficult times ... I send you all my love ,my prays and possitive energy from Brittany in France .. Bisous lily xoxo
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