Commentary
It's easy to be a holiday grouch, until a tragedy comes along
by Carrie DaklinCarrie Daklin is a Twin Cities-based freelance writer and a source in MPR's Public Insight Network.
Though it's long ago, I still have distinct memories of it. I remember making apple and marshmallow Santas, "no-bake" Christmas cookies that we dropped on pieces of waxed paper, and watching a very young Natalie Wood in "Miracle on 34th Street." I was 5 — just barely, as I had started school in September at the age of 4 — and in kindergarten.
Gimbels and Wanamaker's had their decorations up the day after Thanksgiving. Oh, the anticipation — singing "Jingle Bells" and following along with Mitch Miller! When I look at pictures from back then, they seem ridiculous in their simplicity, in the naivete of the early '60s. That was the Christmas I got my Easy-Bake oven.
Somewhere along the way, the luster wore off. The inevitabilities of life came along: shattered romances, lost jobs, a failed marriage, friends gone too soon.
I don't like to admit that I am a holiday curmudgeon. I didn't even think it was particularly apparent until last year, when a friend gleefully cast me in a video as Ebenezer Scrooge.
I didn't know my attitude had hurt people. I didn't realize how lucky I was. Mired in my skepticism, I pronounced it vocally: I hate Christmas. If it weren't for my kids I wouldn't even put up a tree.
And this year I almost didn't.
My son said he didn't care, and it seemed like a lot of work, and, I thought, I would be just as happy to forget the holidays entirely — such a pain, such a nuisance, such a contrivance.
But then something took me back to being in kindergarten. Something made me remember the joy and delight I had lost.
A few weeks ago, watching a small Connecticut town grieve, I realized just how thankless I had been. I have been given 51 Christmases. In the past two decades, I have squandered many. So I made a decision — I determined not to let another year slip by, not to let my indifference continue to affect my family.
That afternoon, my son and I went out and bought a tree. At 17, he seemed as excited as a 5-year-old.
The tree stayed lighted every day, and I made a point each evening to tune in Christmas carols. I even bought an old copy of "Christmas Sing-Along with Mitch" — the exact same one I had had as a little girl.
Much to my son's chagrin, I played it daily. I did not, however, tear out the sing-along sheets and require him to follow along.
As the New Year begins, and the holidays fade, my commitment is to find a daily delight — maybe lobbing a snowball at my unsuspecting son, maybe sliding down the hill by my house, maybe going out of my way to wish upon a star.
As I enjoy a full moon on a glistening cold winter night, I will dedicate my joy to 20 kindergarteners: 20 children whose names I don't have the courage to read, but whose faces and infectious smiles I have seen; 20 children who were anticipating Santa's arrival; 20 children who were much too young to experience life's inevitabilities.
Comments (7)
Great story! I love Carrie's openness and honesty. It's easy to become disillusioned when life hits hard. I can relate to a lot of what she said. And I understand how it can affect those around us when we are negative. It's good to know the story had a new ending or maybe it's a new beginning. I know about new beginnings out of tragedy. It's possible to begin anew. As I see the world around me, it is filled with sad tragic stories but like Carrie, I see hope. Hope that it will get better, the pain will lesson and life can take on new meaning, so different than we were expecting. My heart breaks for the friends and families and the little ones who saw and experienced tragedy from Sandy Hook Elementary, whom I hope and pray they will find hope, healing and not grow up too disillusioned by what life has thrown them. We all need hope that life can be good and find the child like joy that comes with it.
This hits home with me on several levels. After my sister's death nearly 3 years ago, Christmas had become drudgery for me. She loved the holiday, and without receiving the amazingly beautifully wrapped gifts from her, it just wasn't the same. I pledged to enjoy Christmas this year, and did a fairly good job of it.
Those kindergarten students in CT are also nameless to me. I have not been able to hear news stories about the incident without tears. I finally had to stop. I cannot read bios about them or their families. It is just too much. I have a granddaughter in kindergarten this year., as well as two younger granddaughters. The whole image is too much.
My adult children also enjoyed my renewed enjoyment of the holiday, as did my husband. We even put up lights outdoors...the first time in several years.
I am looking forward to the next year for the first time in a long time. I am hoping my curmudgeon days are behind me. Thanks for the essay to put this all in words for me.
Excellent Article.
I'm privileged to have known the author since we were teenagers. I remember one particularly depressing Christmas phone call, Carrie told me all she had on hand was mustard and saltine crackers and that's about it - life can get hard sometimes. Carrie, I'm proud of you, Friend! You've come a long way, faced a lot of trials and come through shining. I, too, have sometimes wished I could skip Christmas. But life keeps moving, and there's so much more joy if we make peace with the losses we've experienced and embrace the people we still have to love and the life we still have to live. Thanks for spreading a message of hope.
Carrie,
Thank you for that! As I write with tears running down my face I remember all of those I have lost over the years and each time I've lost a little more of myself, also not realizing how miserable I was making those around me feel. When I lost my 21 year old stepson to suicide five years ago that put me over the edge. I've tried many things to make it back to being happy again but nothing seemed to work.
This year I decided to put up a tree and that made me happy. The family enjoyed seeing the presents under the tree instead of being next to the couch. I have a long way to go but your story inspired me.
You are a great writer and I appreciate you putting into words what so many of us are feeling inside. I pray those that have endured tragedies; that they know the Lord and can lean on the fact that their loved ones are safe and will meet again. Thank again for sharing and I hope to see you in OKC soon.
Carrie, nice article. I'm glad you have rediscovered not just the joy of Christmas, but appreciating the little things in life. Sometimes those little things help us get through some of the garbage life throws at us.
I am fascinated by this story. I too bought a Christmas tree for the first time in my adult life this year ( I am 58) for much the same reason. I heard that people were trying to do 26 acts of kindness; one for each life. I worked on that too. Those families have been in my prayers ever since & yes, Christmas was an appreciated holiday in my home this year for the first time in many, many years. I wonder how many Americans had this reaction?
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