Do all parents have a favorite child?
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- Do all parents have a favorite child? (program audio)
Canadian radio host Buzz Bishop created a stir when he admitted to having a favorite child on his blog.
"If I were to be absolutely honest, my older son is my favorite of the two," he wrote in a post about his girlfriend's pregnancy. "He and I are adventurous partners in crime, and I can't imagine life without him. He was an accident waiting to happen, and I'm so glad it did."
Should he be criticized for voicing his favoritism? Is it possible for any parent to be completely impartial? And what's the science behind favoritism?
Jeffrey Kluger, senior editor at Time magazine and author "The Sibling Effect: What the Bonds Among Brothers and Sisters Reveal About Us," will join The Daily Circuit Wednesday.
"There aren't a lot of ironclad rules of family life, but here's one: No matter how much your parents deny it -- and here's betting they deny it a lot -- they have a favorite child," Kluger wrote. "And if you're a parent, so do you."
Ellen Weber Libby, licensed psychologist based in Washington, DC and author of the 'The Favorite Child,' will also join the discussion.
LIVE CHAT: Is there a favorite sibling in your family?
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The Daily Circuit from October 24, 2012
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Is there a favorite sibling in your family?
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Are you a parent who favors one of your children? Or did you grow up in a family where your parents obviously favored one sibling?
Tomorrow morning at 11:00, we'll talk to Jeffrey Kluger, the author of The Sibling Effect and Ellen Weber Libby, a psychologist and the author of the The Favorite Child.
Tell us your story. You can be anonymous!
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Here's what sparked this conversation. It's a quote from blogger and radio host Buzz Bishop:
"If I were to be absolutely honest, my older son is my favorite of the two. He and I are adventurous partners in crime, and I can’t imagine life without him." -
Here is one reason for favoring children: birth order.
From Psychology Today:
"There are several additional factors that predict favoritism, one of which is birth order: parents favor first- and last-born children over middle children. This occurs in part because middle children will never be the only child living at home - at some point first-borns and last-borns will have their parents all to themselves. Overall, first-borns get the most privileges and last-borns receive the most parental affection." -
You are my favorite. Just don't tell your brother/sister or their feelings will be hurt." It's what I said to all three of them. I meant it, and now that they are having children, I am hearing them say it
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All of my children have been my favorites at one time or another. I think it must be a need of them or me or both.
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I knew my sister was my mom's favorite.
After my sister died at 29, that was really biting as I worried my parents would be disappointed to be stuck with just me. After my mom died, dad said right out what I'd always known, but shocked me by adding I was his favorite.
He said mom and my sister connected better, and he knew I felt more affinity with him. I realized it had never been that they favored us, but that they thought we favored them. -
I dislike both of my children equally.
/Totally kidding. -
No question, my brother.
My half brother and I represent to my parents a period of marriage troubles & instability.
My brother that was born after me was in a more "legit" circumstances. Also being male helps for him.
He said once that he'd rather not have been alive then be treated the way I was in the family, but has no desire to stop it so that negative attention doesn't get turned on him. -
There is scientific proof of favoritism. From Time:
"In one oft cited study, Katherine Conger, a professor of human and community development at the University of California at Davis, assembled a group of 384 sibling pairs and their parents and visited them three times over three years. She questioned them about their relationships and videotaped them as they worked through conflicts. Overall, she concluded that 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers exhibited a preference for one child, usually the older one. And those numbers are almost certainly lowballs, since parents try especially hard to mask their preferences when a researcher is watching." -
In my experience being the youngest child of 5 (Oldest being a sister, then three older brothers, then me (male)), there is definitely a 'favorite child.'
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I have two children and I can say that I honestly don't have a favorite, but it's true that one of my children is much easier to parent.
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@kerrimpr Of my siblings I was never the favorite, it rotated between my brothers. It's okay though, I never had to suck up to mom & dad!
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@KerriMPR Mom told me I was favorite, but that if I told my sibs it would not be true anymore. Doesn't mean she loved sibs any less tho.
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Jeffrey Kluger says that if there are 2 parents and 2 kids in the house, they often pair off.
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I have a favorite but my kids need to know that it changes all the time.
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As a youngster, the fourth of five daughters, I always thought I was my parents' favorite.
As an adult, I now know that it did not matter if it was true. My assumption meant that I had a wonderful sense of self which helped me grow up into a loved and loving woman. -
Read a column by our guest, Ellen Weber Libby, about favoring siblings.
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In my experience being the youngest of 5 (oldest being a sister, three older brothers, then me[male]), there is a favorite child.
All of my older siblings would pick on my for being the youngest, and most favorited child. I was brought on more trips and had more gifts from my parents while receiving the hand-me-downs from my older siblings. Because of this, I was split off from my older siblings because I felt they did not like me for being 'spoilt' by my parents.
I believe that part of the reason why I got more gifts and such is because I am the youngest and thus am the last to receive attention from parents. By the time I was born, my siblings were grown enough to take care of themselves, and if not take care of each other. They didn't need much more attention from my parents, so all the attention fell to me. -
@KerriMPR -- I am the last of 8... no favorites... too many flavors! We're all very different.
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@KerriMPR My sister and I have it lucky: My mom favors me and my dad favors my sister. Very egalitarian.
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My next older brother was clearly my mother's favorite.
At one point she told me that she just preferred boys to girls - but that I shouldn't take it personally. I was the fifth child of five and the ONLY girl. Hard not to take it personally..... -
A child who keeps a parent at ease is often a more cherished member of the family. - Ellen Weber Libby.
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My adopted daughter and I do not get along AT ALL.
My son is my biological mini-me who toes-the-line, and avoids antagonizing me.
Both, even the adopted one, share similar traits with me (and even listen to MPR with me) but he chooses to use those traits to his advantage. -
My mom favored my older brother, my dad favored my sister (she was smart and did everything outstanding - stanford univ., honors at grad) and I think I was favored by both...knew I could never measure up to my older siblings, but was more social than either.
Of course, my sister told me more than once that it didn't matter because I was JUST adopted. We have some good laughs about it all now. -
My brother was the squeaky wheel.
I never thought he was a favorite, but felt like he got his way a lot. That always bothered me, but I was not assertive.
My own kids are similar. One is squeaky and one is passive. My passive child feels he gets the short end of the stick. (sounds like me) Is there a gene that makes us feel like everything is unfair??? -
I was my Dad's favorite and my brother has always been my Mom's. As we've gotten older, she has made it clear more than once to me that my brother is her favorite. My Dad passed away 18 years ago and it has really caused dissension with me in the family. I am always the third wheel.
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I have only one child and he is definitely my favorite!!!! I feel this is one benefit of having only one child...he knows that he is my favorite:)
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As an adult adoptee with a younger "biological" brother, my parents were very mindful of not playing "favorites" at all. I never felt that either one of us were the "favorite."
I would, however, point out to my brother that as an adoptee, our parents chose me but they were stuck with him.
/Yes, we are very close. -
I am youngest and only girl of three kids.
I was my dad's favorite but my mom always tried to treat us the same.
But the middle child still lives with her, does the most for her and I think she now prefers him over my brother and me. -
I was the oldest of two when growing up.
The pregnancy that produced me was not planned, forced a marriage, and took my mother out of college, therefore changing her available opportunities.
My younger sibling was planned and very much cherished.
There were no secrets about who was the favorite child.
As a parent, my husband and I are parenting only one and I am so happy that I don't even have to ponder the possibility that I have a favorite. -
When my kids ask me who is the favorite, I always tell them "The quietest one."
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As a child it was very obvious to me that my mom favored my younger brother.
I don't think that is true any more. However, that experience has made me very aware of how I treat my two daughters.
I know that my older daughter (9) feels, at times, that I favor her little sis (5).
My younger daughter is very attached to me.
But I do try to keep things very fair and I talked to my older daughter frequently about how I and very proud of her and I love her as much as I love her sister, etc. So, I hope she doesn't feel that same way that I did when I was her age. -
I'm sure my 5 year old son thinks my 7 year old daughter is the favorite because he is in the phase of still learning how to follow rules. He gets more time-outs and doesn't get to do what the older sister does. He sees it as unfair.
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When my kids ask me who i love more, i tell them i love them both, but for different reasons
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I hate to get all Definitional about it, but "favorite" makes me uncomfortable.
I always knew my parents were much more like my brother and appreciated his interests and activities more than mine. But I don't think they loved him more or that he was, overall, THE favorite. -
I am the youngest and everybody assumes I am the favorite but my parents had grandchildren when I was very young and so I was never really the favorite.
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My brother was always obviously the favorite, but the real resentment wasn't there for me and my sister until he got married and my sister-in-law moved into the number 2 slot.
Now we speak openly to each other about how this has caused us to dislike her. -
The oldest boy was the groomed one, but the third of four is our mom's favorite.
It doesn't make sense because he is the least capable of us. The rest of us are intelligent, successful and independent. He is fine, has a family, earns a stable living, but is clearly not at the same level as the rest of us. Why did she favor him? -
My husband and I don't have a favorite among our three children (boy, girl, boy), but we do engage more with our daughter because she is more open with us.
She'll let us know what's going on in her life and is willing to make suggestions as to family outings and such. Our boys play things a lot closer to the vest and don't open up as much with us about anything. -
I'm the oldest of three, and at 10 my second youngest brother died at age six. Afterward, my mom was always hardest on me--I always need to get good grades, be the best. My remaining brother (age five) was the "fair-haired child" in her eyes. As an adult, Mom admitted that after our brother's death, she didn't worry about me and that she was worried my youngest brother would die.
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My eldest brother has/had special needs growing up, and many thought he was the favorite because the most time was spent on him.
However, my parents were pretty careful about giving all three of us equal attention, I think. But, I think my brothers would say that I am the favorite as the youngest and only girl! -
My sister and brother would readily acknowledge that I am my dads favorite and my sister is my moms favorite.
My dad even calls me "The pick of the liter" - though not to my siblings. As a parent of 5 girls (three being my step daughters & two are my own twins) I can't say I have a favorite with my own children, I think it may have to do with them being twins.
Of my step daughters, the oldest is definitely the favorite of the their mother. -
I am openly referred to by my older sister as the "PC" (preferred child). I was just easier to like...not my fault! I now tell MY kids...you're my favorite girl and your brother is my favorite boy...so far so good!
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As a parent, I have trouble relating to the child who I suspect is actually the most like me: in her I see my faults and my own personality traits that I am unhappy with. In contrast, I am more drawn to the daughter who is the most like my husband.
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I often felt like my brother would bully my parents to get his way. He has a temper.
My parents would give in to avoid his temper. It is like this to this day. It has been hard for me, but I guess I've realized my parents have their own fears that give them reason to avoid his temper. I don't feel like either of us are favorites. I just think my brother understood how to get his way and my parents are trying to keep the peace. -
It is blatantly obvious to me that my husband's sister is the favorite child in his family, but my in-laws will not or cannot admit it.
I wonder how common it is that someone outside the family can see what those inside cannot, and what kind of effects that can have on a marriage and in-law relationships. -
I feel my older sisters felt I was the favorite growing up because my childhood was drastically different from theirs.
Our mother had my sisters very young with her abusive first husband. She was a poor working single mother raising 2 children.
She remarried my father (he adopted my half-sisters) and had me 10 years later. My father had a well paying job which enabled my mother to stay home with me. This bred resentment in the family simply because I was born later in my parents lives when they were more financially stable and able to provide more for me. This effects the relationship I have with my sisters to this day (and we do not have a good relationship, although I believe they are close). -
Do parents pick favorites, or do they simply replay the same parent-child relations they had growing up?
My wife has the same difficulties with our children that she had with her mother while I have a completely different relationship with the same kids. -
In regards to Suzanna's comment, I wonder how often the children of a family feel the parents have a favorite and the parents feel they don't have a favorite.
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as middle child, younger brother was favorite of both
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If my parents have a favorite child, I don't want to know which!
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I have 3 kids, all adults now: oldest son birth child, 2 daughters adopted.
I haven't a favorite but have had "favorite" development stages.
Interesting, the oldest son plays the financial protector of his 2 youngest daughters.
Surprisingly, the youngest daughter that has always been the emotional connector of the family; she is the most considerate of her parents needs.
The middle child has chosen to physically remove herself geographically, so removes herself from the equation. I never would profess a favorite as I heard too many sad "favorite" stories from my parents generation. -
I have 4 kids. I a good relationship with all my kids and it takes my effort to break my bias against a negative view of one of my kids. Sometimes is us the problem and not the kids.
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I don't have a favorite child.
With four children all have qualities that I like and dislike. Try as I might I can not select a favorite. They are all great "kids", now adults. Would that be due to the fact that I am a middle child, a position in sibling order that is commonly thought of a being a mediator? -
I am the favorite child to both my parents. But I have a high level of stress because they come to me for everything. Is this the role for the favorite child?
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I am curious whether being a favorite leads to more or less success (in school, work, life) and happiness in the long term? Or does this lead to someone being under-prepared for a world that will not treat them as "special"?
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There were nine kids in our family and I never felt there was a favorite, which surprised my friends. We were at a family get together and my sister walked in and she had the same feeling. Later I've asked everyone and no one felt there was a favorite. Are we fooling ourselves?!
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@kerrimpr Your caller just described my life! Middle children unite!
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Anonymous, I agree with you!
I would not want to know if my parent's had/have a favorite child. Growing up, I felt my mom and dad showed love and appreciation to me and my three brothers pretty equally. They would spend more time with one of us at certain points because of things going on in our lives, but I never felt left out of their love. I have four boys and they are so different. It would be really difficult to pick a favorite. Sometimes they are easier to "like," but I will always love each of them no matter what. -
younger brother was favorite child of both parents but older sister demanded attention so i was typical middle child. ended up being best for me bc i didnt inherit emotional baggage that came with being needed by my manic depressive mother.
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I'm the youngest of ten. Not all biologically. I havr two half brothers who are 20 years older than me
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What about a least-favorite child? I would say I favor two of my three equally, but the third requires the most discipline by far. I tell each nightly that I love them, and hug or kiss them. How will that child fare?
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I"m 7.5 months pregnant with our second child, a son. I"m having huge feelings of guilt or betrayal to my first child, a 2.5 year son. I find this odd since I was an "only child" until I was ten when my parents FINALLY gave me a sibling, whom I adore since he arrived 31 years ago. Are my feelings of guilt normal? Help!
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Growing up, my family was comprised of two kids from my mom, two kids from my step father and two kids between the two of them. Our parents went to tortured lengths to make sure we were all treated equally. Now, as a parent, I go to great lengths to be sure my kids feel equally favored... particularly on Facebook posts, just in case they come back to check them out in 20 years!
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@DailyCircuit Being the only girl, my parents told me I was their favorite daughter.
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I honestly don't favor one of my two daughters (16 & 12), but I am keenly aware of enjoying one's company over another's -- at different times.
It switches depending on their developmental stages and HORMONES!! -
I am the oldest of three girls and was perhaps the most spoiled, causing the other two to jokingly claim I am the favorite (I'm not).
The middle sister has what she calls the "pancake theory": the first pancake you always burn, the last pancake is always too small because you used too much batter with the first, but that middle pancake? It's always perfect :-) -
My mother had me when she was 21. Growing up, my father was not in the picture at all. When I was 13, my mom married a wonderful man I have known my whole life and they had a son.
Obviously the age difference between us two siblings is huge, but the connection I have with my mom because of the "Us against the world" life we lead together before our family grew. -
4 adopted siblings, and 3 biological siblings. I was definitely the favorite of my parents up until I came out of the closet. Tgen my next oldest biological sister took over the role. It always seemed to my my adopted siblings never got the attention they deserved. When its 7 boys to 3 girls I think the girls got heavily favored.
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In my childhood - the question I was asked ofter was - who loves you more - ma (mom) or baba (daddy). It was a question I like not to answer ... both loved us but had different expression. Now both of them are no more - passed away in last 2 years ... By the way I was the youngest among 3 brothers ... now I have 2 kids - a boy & a girl and we loved them both and both are our favs ...
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I'm the oldest and connect to the idea that the mother favors the physically most vulnerable. As soon as my brother was born when I was a year and a half, I became the one who didn't need her, therefore didn't get her time/attention, and thus had to turn to my father. Now, in my early 30s, she is no longer with my father, resents how close I am to him, but has a very hard time connecting with me as a daughter and tells me how difficult it is to love me but refuses to really acknowledge how her role as a mother played in to this.
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I am the oldest child in my family and my only sibling was ill when we were younger. She later developed a mental disorder and her illness made her the favorite child.
I was seen as independent and didn't need my parents that my sister needed them more. My mother's last words to me before she died she addresses me in my sister's name. What does illness do to favorite child status???? -
I am the oldest of two children and my sister would say that I am the favorite because my parents let me get away with things when we were younger and now she would say because I have a career and am working on a PhD, which my mom also has.
My sister on the other hand I think connected more with my dad because she went to the same college as him and is now traveling the world which is what I think my dad would have loved to do. My parents have never said one of us is the favorite, but I think I am much closer to my mom because we are more alike and my sister is much closer with my dad because they are more alike. My dad has also mentioned how much my mom and I are alike, so I think we implicitly know. -
My parents had a favored child in our family, and he is the youngest male in the family.
For my father, my younger brother was an athlete and made him proud for that reason from the time he was a very little boy.
For my mother, he was the child that was easy; he expected nothing from her--so he was her favorite.
All of my siblings will agree with this; we actually call him "the golden boy." As the years have gone by, he has lost favor with my father because he no longer meets his needs. He is still my mother's favorite, in fact, she is estranged with the rest of us. -
My mother allowed my older sister and my younger brother to take trips with girl- and boy-friends that she didn't allow me, the middle child, to do.
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Just wondering about the siblings that come after or before a favorite child who has died and what kind of research is available on this topic.
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Honestly, I would be hurt if I found out my parents preferred my sibling to me.
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Very interesting program on the topic of favorite children this morning. Here's another dynamic that has affected our family.....what about sons-in-law and daughters-in-law that don't measure up to their spouse's parents?
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The oldest child. They've known them the longest.
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