Commentary
How can my identity be a source of worry?
By Taylor Brorby
Taylor Brorby is a graduate student in liberal studies at Hamline University.
A two-syllable word carries a lot of meaning: Worried.
People worry about bank accounts, the economy and revolutions happening around the world. I, too, worry about these things, but since last fall I have started to worry about myself — because my aunt told my mom to worry about me.
After graduating from college I was accepted to a seminary on the East Coast. Excited, nervous and unsure about what was to come, I decided to spend one final summer at home with my parents. Being the first one in my family to go to college, and having left the state to do so, I thought this was a great opportunity to get some quality time with my family before moving far away and starting the next stage of my young adult life.
And then my aunt called my mother: "Denise, I'm worried Taylor might be gay."
I would not have believed that a parent's Top Ten List of Worries might include whether his or her son is gay. I imagined such things as weak lungs, developmental problems or diseases would more readily come to mind. I never thought the person I am would provoke worry.
But that's what has happened. Just such a worry has strained my relationship with my parents. I no longer visit for holidays, and I have been told that it's not OK for me to be this way. My parents and I struggle to try to walk a new path in a new relationship.
In the arena of religion, my soul is a topic of contention. I've heard that I'm going to hell, but I've also heard that God loves everyone. It's kind of cool to be the center of so much attention and gossip. In my church I sit on two councils, volunteer for funerals and help serve communion. My congregation had its first same-sex wedding last summer. The Rainbow Rule applies here: All are welcome.
But with my family life in such an uproar, I have put my seminary plans on hold.
Outside of my relations with relatives, my social life has changed little. In Minneapolis, I find safety in my sexuality. In class, I call myself the "pink sheep" of my family. I comfort my friends when they break up with their girlfriends, and I compliment my friend Eleanor on her sense of style. She tells me my glasses make me look sexy (at 91, she still has a great sense of humor).
Despite the rift in my family, my sister still calls me Nerdbomber and wonders why I listen to classical music. My nephews know I love them "to the moon and back."
My life is rooted in my commitment to relationships. I empathize with those who are hurting, laugh with those who need the best medicine, and hold hands when words fail.
As Mary Oliver says, "I tell you this to break your heart, by which I mean only that it break open and never close again to the rest of the world." Because at some point you will have gay people in your family. They will love you to the moon and back.
Comments (29)
Taylor,
Thanks for expressing so eloquently much of what is in my heart as well. I am transgender rather than gay, but what you say rings true. Those who are supposed to love us the most are often those who cannot accept us for who we are. We can build lives rich in friendships, work, and volunteering and still not be accepted by family. While family members have much invested in the people they thought us to be, they also have much to gain from knowing who we really are.
I wish you all the best in your struggle to build relationships with your family. Thank you for the courage to live with integrity and share your story with us. You are making it better for the next generation.
~ Alison
TayTay,
I know few people in the world as loving and strong as you. This is such a wonderful statement of that strength and compassion and I can say as a friend who has had the privilege of knowing you through college and beyond that I am proud to call you a friend and an asset in my life.
Blessings to you, and to your family. Everything happens for a reason, and you will be stronger for all your struggles and triumphs.
-Best, with love
Nina
My heart goes out to you, Taylor. Thank you for sharing your story. My love to you.
Taylor,
I am one of those parents who would be worried if my son or daughter was gay. But that would be because of concern for challenges they might face that I could never understand. As parents, we set expectations up for our children and as they grow we realize that they are their own people and that we need to let go.
I believe in unconditional love. I accept who my children are, no matter what. I wish I knew you because you seem like an amazing person and writer.
But worry? Yes and always!
Allyson
I am a pastor at Taylor's church and am proud to count him a friend. I'm also a parent of a gay son. And sometimes I worry about that son, as I worry sometimes about my straight son. That's something that parents do in relation to our children--worry. But then we commit them to God, and to the many good people in the world, and to their own gifts and abilities. We bless them and hope for ever-deeper relationships with them.
What is sad is when parents cannot let their children be who they are, when they love them "as long as . . .", and when they cannot, from a faith perspective, really trust in the unconditional love and grace of God--for others and for themselves.
Taylor, you are a source of joy and love for many of us. I hope you can be that, once again, for your parents too.
Taylor, you're incredible and I'm blessed to have known you. Thank you for sharing and I hope things with your family get easier. You deserve everything good that comes your way.
Taylor, you're incredible and I'm blessed to have known you. Thank you for sharing and I hope things with your family get easier. You deserve everything good that comes your way.
Hey Mr. Brorby,
You will be excellent at whatever you do , because, heck, what can't you do? I think the only thing I worry about with you is the lack of insulting Mitchell these days.
Anyway, I think we're all at that point in our lives where we are changing and re-evaluating our identities again. Sexuality is just the tiniest part of who you are, but who cares? Who you are is an amazing person who fulfills God's path more than 99% of Christians I know (and I know a lot). Don't worry about who you are, because I'm honored to know you.
Also pink sheep are pretty. There are about 18,000 sheep in Slovakia, and if I were to see a pink one I'd probably get really excited and take it home with me (but honestly, I'd breed it and try to get more pink sheep, but that's besides the point, because you're not really a sheep).
Thank you for so eloquently articulating a struggle which so many of us have gone through.
Thank you for so eloquently articulating a struggle which so many of us have gone through.
Strength and courage come from those whose company you keep. Worry not about your identity because surely those in your life would worry first.
I grew up in a very conservative religious family in middle America. My sisters were 18, a brother 16 and a brother 5 when I was born. I idolized my brother closest to me in age. When I was 16 he "declared his gayness" to our family pastor and asked he not tell my parents. That didn't happen and my parents and pastor determined a church hospital would cure him. My parents didn't talk about this to anyone! To make a long story short, I want you to know that our family facing this brought my family together as we had never been. Eventually the relationship between my parents and my brother became the closest it had ever been. My much older brother and sisters became the siblings I never really knew. My brother passed away from AIDS 20 years ago, with my parents at his bedside. We miss him, we still love him, and we have him to thank for the connection and unity he brought to our family! Give your family time and be patient. Try to understand that they will be given lots of advice from well intentioned people who know nothing of what they are talking about. Be true to yourself and they will realize they love you-not who they think you should be.
Great job Taylor. My catch phrase has become "patience and persistence", and I feel like that could apply here. I know you will keep being yourself and that's first right now. That said, it took your folks however long they've lived to get where they are, and for some people that makes it harder to get somewhere else quickly. Be patient and persistent and don't give up on them. You definitely know yourself well enough for sem now!
Taylor!
What great words from a truly awesome resident when we lived together in Ellingson. The title "Mr. Ellingson" definitely fits given this piece. Continue being yourself and finding peace in the fact that you're you and nobody can really change that EXCEPT you. There are many, many folks out there that can provide words of wisdom if you need it.
Take care, buddy. Glad to see you're published :)
John
Dear Pink Sheep,
We probably haven't talked since I baby-sat you wayyyy back in the day, but I wanted to say hello, and that I've read this, and that I think it's spectacular. Cheers to you, and other brave young folks just like yourself. I hope that someday your nephews and my son will live in a world where they can ask (with wrinkled up noses), "Gay marriage was illegal? That's crazy!"
Keep being you,
Megan
Thanks, Taylor. Will and I are committed to raising our children in an environment with, hopefully, "just the right amount" of worry and an at least equal amount of unconditional love. It's how I am loving my brother and his boyfriend, with most of my face smiling when we are together but just one little corner of my eye looking out for them, considering they are openly in love in the Deep South. (I digress.) Here's to hoping that we keep the right amount of the right kinds of worries for our families- not easy with some of our backgrounds and family histories and our own preconceptions to overcome, but if we are loved to the moon and back, these challenges are not impossible! See you at church on Sunday. ~Molly
Taylor,
You've come along way from the stage of "Play On". I still remember you as being the funny one. I am now a mother and hope one day if my son tells me he likes boys, he can tell me with confidence. I loved your article. And don't ever change who you are pink sheep! Keep rockin -Jess-
Taylor,
I am so proud of you in all that you are and all that you have achieved. The right path in our hearts may not always be the easiest but must be followed in order to maintain who we are. Your strength is admirable and I look up to you for that.
As always,
Your Friend-
Jane
Hi, Taylor:
You do us proud...Oles AND family members...thank you!
You have an important story to share. Thank you for your courage in sharing it. Now I pray for your parents and your aunt to have a change of heart. Taylor, you are such a joy in our church community. Thank you for being who you are!
Taylor,
we never really got to know each other at Olaf, but I always admired you for being a kind, smart, and good-humored person. Thank you for sharing part of your story, and I hope that someday your family can free themselves from the fear of "otherness" that plagues so many. So many things in life distract us from loving each other, and the reasons are often devastatingly silly. Language, looks, sexuality, nationality; we are all deserving of love and equality.
My love to you, from the west coast! You are an admirable human being.
Taylor!
This a truly eloquent and beautiful piece with a great message.
I am sharing it with all of my friends and bringing your words across the pond to Europe.
So pleased to see you published. So articulate. And hopeful. And such a lovely human being.
Dear Friend,
This is one of the most beautiful commentaries that I have ever read. As someone who knows you very well, I am overjoyed that you found a good outlet to share your pain, your joy, and your hope. You are an inspiration to so many people, whether gay or straight. Thanks for loving everyone in your life with such a strong love.
Love,
Grace
Oh Taylor,
You are one of those people of whom I am endlessly jealous. You are clever, compassionate and incredibly funny. You have an innate ability to put people at ease, provoke intelligent conversation and to see both the tragedy and comedy in the world around you.
I say these things not to flatter you, but to illustrate your incredible competence. I understand the many reasons why a family could be worried about their gay child, but I think if anyone seems prepared to handle the tough stuff, it's you. I'm sure you do and will continue to have struggles. We all do. But your family should be insanely proud to have raised someone so healthy and capable of meeting those challenges.
Rock on, friend.
This is a beautifully written piece, Taylor. I hope you keep finding strength in the people around you, and in your faith (which is just as beautiful).
Beautiful and brave, Taylor! Thank you so much for sharing.
Little Red,
very interesting; I figured that out years ago. your walk with God is your walk not your families. If you love God with your whole heart and have a desire to serve him. why are you letting this rift or eye opening (on parents part) stop you? I know it is hard to go off and live your life without the blessings of your parents yet I know you are walking your walk. hold your head up and don't be discouraged..
Taylor,
You may not remember me but I was an aid at the school when you were a student there. What a wonderful article you have written! I know many gay people and you have written what many of them could not put into words. It is sad how society labels a person according to his/her sexuality. That's not all that we are. I am not just "straight" and you are not just "gay." We both have many other characteristics to identify us. When I saw your picture, I saw Taylor, who I remember brightening the halls of the school with your smile and your wonderful sense of humor. God bless you, always!
Post a comment
Please be civil, brief and relevant.
E-mail addresses are never displayed but they are required to confirm your comments. All comments are moderated. MPR reserves the right to edit any comments on this site and to read them on the air with attribution. Please read the Comment Guidelines before posting.
You must be 13 or over to submit information to Minnesota Public Radio. The information entered into this form will not be used to send unsolicited e-mail and will not be sold to a third party. For more information see Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy.
Latest News & Features
News Cut
with Bob CollinsIn The Spotlight
-
Sound Learning
Looking for ways to ensure your students are doing quality research from credible sources? Sound Learning is a launching point to Minnesota Public Radio's content on the Web. -
The Current Music Blog
Your daily note for good music, news and pop culture. With attempted jokes.
- Become a Member
- Member Connect Accounts
- Leadership Circle
- Sustaining Members
- Member Discounts
- Become a Sponsor
- Tax Information
- Planned Giving
- Vehicle Donation
- Donate Stock