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It was a great love scene, Netflix, but now it's time to yell 'cut'
by Gary Dop
Netflix, Sweetheart, what happened to us? We were so great, but now you're scaring me.
When my neighbor's Wi-Fi introduced us, I'd never met anyone like you. You were way more than red lipstick and a pretty face. You had depth: everything a guy — or a girl, for that matter — would want. You even passed the kid test; you kept bringing over "Dora" and "Wonder Pets." My daughters loved you.
But our best times were when it was just you and me. Remember all those late Friday nights? I couldn't push a wrong button with you.
Before you, I dated this Blockbuster girl, but she was getting crabby and expensive. She always insisted I come to her place, and I had to open my wallet every time I saw her. She had no spontaneity, not like when things were streaming with you. Blockbuster would set arbitrary deadlines, and make me pay when I didn't show up.
When I went to her place, I'd say something like, "I'd like a little Cary Grant romance, if you know what I mean." Blockbuster's reply was an empty shelf that said, "Not tonight."
When I started seeing you she freaked out and tried to make herself more available, but it was over. You were the one, Netflix. Everybody wanted you.
You were so cheap. That sounds rude, I know, but it's true. Being with you for a month didn't cost me near what I spent on Blockbuster.
But then you got needy, and started sending weird emails about how I wasn't spending enough on you, and how lucky I was to be with you.
And then you went nuts: "Sometimes," you said, "I'd like you to call me Qwikster, not Netflix." It was like you couldn't hear how stupid you sounded.
You said, "Don't worry, when I'm Qwikster, I'll wear different clothes and makeup, and you won't even know it's me."
We did an intervention, and you agreed to change, but it was too late. I couldn't look at you the same after that, Netflix.
A couple of months ago, Blu-ray introduced me to somebody. Her name is Amazon, and she's pretty cool. She looks good — like Hi-Def good. She'll go anywhere with me, and she doesn't just show up with a movie. She's got everything.
I have a hunch she's going to find sneaky ways to pull cash out of me. Maybe she's just my rebound, we'll see. But I have to find out. So this is goodbye, Netflix. I think you should get some help. Quit emailing me, OK?
Oh — and you left a few DVDs at my place. Plus your bright red coat. I'm sending them back.
Comments (33)
Gary,
This was great! I loved, "you were so cheap", and how she frgot her" bright red coat." She sounded like the perfect date.
This is embarrassing. Did you have to write that.
I concur with the above statement. Did this need to be written? If you're unhappy with netflix, leave. I, for one, still am very happy with my streaming instantly netflix. Yes, it could use more content. But I'm going to continue on with Netflix.
I went Hulu, after Netflix. I too was in love and felt like what happened.
You will be back... You just don't know it yet.
Great bit. Hope NPR will give us more Gary Dop.
Shes on her period thats all. Look netflix is part of our life now. When I think of tv I think instant netflix. Amazon is not organized enough.
Love this. How creative to portray netflix as a lover, because really that's what she used to be. Gary, you are genius.
Very Funny I enjoyed it I too hope NPR gives us more Gary. Also @Victor Franklin I believe he did leave "So this is goodbye, Netflix."
Hilarious! I shared this on Facebook. I'm surprised at how many people have no sense of humor. It's Friday people, relax! :D
Loved it. It was very creative and humorous! Thanks for sharing it.
What this world needs is more Gary Dop. Very funny man!
To the people who think this is "creative" writing: it's not. Too many writers to count have used this same schtick.
It's not a sense of humor lacking in readers, it's an absence of good taste in the writer that people remark on. It's got nothing to do with Netflix, and everything to do with how the article is written, the nauseating dweebie attempts at humor that oozes out of this piece. Netflix is fine (I did quit it recently, but not because of price changes or split: I quit because I've watched everything I wanted to watch and caught myself watching crap for a couple of months just in order to maintain the subscription). Other factors contributing to my decision were (1) what I perceived as their lack of continuing interest in mail-in DVDs (the only service I care for, actually: streaming is of no intrinsic value for me), and (2) worsening of customer service, probably caused by (1). That aside, I used them for about six years, and they were 95% perfect all this time. If there was still anything I wanted to watch, I'd eat this increase and the name change w/o thinking twice. In fact, since I don't care about streaming and would subscribe to the DVD-only plan, it'd become cheaper for me. All the current hullabaloo is created by professional scribblers of the kind that wrote this piece of cheesy crap above who, regardless of whether they have anything to say, must regularly defecate into the noosphere. Netflix is still cheaper than any available alternative, and their catalogue is about the best available. If I were just starting, it'd be a nobrainer: no one can beat them.
@S M from Minneapolis: If other writers have poured their ideas into the same form, then what we ought to do is compare Dop's with theirs to see whose invigorates the schtick the best. I think that the personification of Netflix works rather well (the red jacket and DVDs left at the narrator's place are great). To say that it is not creative just because other writers have used the same form forces us to reinvent the wheel every time we have an idea for a piece.
I'm in the camp of readers who thought this was funny. Not everything written has to be high art. This was cute and clever.
Not much interesting going on up in the great state of Minnesota!
Gary! Nice work! Reminded me of my poem "Nips." :) What I don't understand is why Gary writes a fun poem about his relationship with Netflix, and someone feels the need to attack him. He's a human being, Netflix isn't. Let's all just get along. :)
It astounds me how many hateful and negative things people have to say about this story. If you don't like it, don't read it. Is it really necessary to take the time to write a comment on something about how bad you thought it was? Just because it doesn't line up with YOUR sense of humor does not mean it isn't humorous. Get over yourself and respect others' ideas and contributions to the world. Professor, I thought this piece was pretty funny and entertaining. The way you weaved everything together was clever. Don't let people get you down! As one of Gary Dop's students here in Minneapolis, I am proud to call him a professor.
This is great! I love the personification of all our favorite movie distributors. Cute and fun
Even though I've graduated now, think this is awesome Professor Dop! I DO hope we hear more from you around these parts. I even laughed out loud a couple times. Way to go!
@ Passer By: I love how your initial defense was about how the article was written, but then you completely dropped that to defend why you like Netflix. You're right, it's not about a lack in sense of humor...it's a lack in seeing that not everything on the internet is a consumer debate and how some things can just be artistic for artistry sake.
This was really cute. I really liked how you said that Netflix "had everything a guy-- or a girl-- could want." Very good.
What the hey, Netflix? I thought you were my baby?! I'm so confused.
So, let me get this straight–all those nights, while I sank into the cushions of my micro-fiber couch, waiting for you to stream, you...you were displaying yourself, full frontal, for someone else? as I watched? and his name is Gary? and he has a beard? Nooooo!!! Oh, the horror...films I never viewed thanks to college. ;)
Gary, you make life fun. Thank you.
Oh Oklahoma...oh Alabama...people like the pseudo anonymous "passer by" (much like the similar "goth girl" as it were, never mind, look the other way) are like the deranged soon-to-be wash-soaking raisin who gasses in the bathtub and bites the bubbles.
How's that for a nauseating dweebie attempt at humor? Did you buy in early with Netflix or are you of the same camp as officer Tony Bologna at Wall Street, macing peaceful protesters out of belligerent, corporate spite? Bite it Passer, I wish we hardly knew ye.
Well, that's a lot of drama over nothing. But I'm surprised to learn that the author of this embarrassing blurb is a professor (of writing?) in some university. Once again I feel vicariously embarrassed. Btw, my point was, primarily, that this is badly written. No, not even how it's written: it's poorly conceived, it's in bad taste, it's precious and fake -- when I was a kid we'd beat up someone who's like that. My second -- and very tangentially related -- point was that the implied criticisms of Netflix are entirely gratuitous. I'm not a N's shill (in fact, I just dropped the subscription), but purely objectively, there's nothing wrong with what they did recently. So they raised the price, so what? They're still cheaper than the closest competitor (Blockbuster). Red Box has a winning business model (my preferred: only pay for what you use, and owe nothing otherwise), but they suffer from the same weakness every brick-and-mortar video-rental store of yesteryear suffered from: they have no selection. They carry only what brings most return, and this of necessity is 100% steaming-fresh Hollywoodean diarrhea for the masses. If there were a company offering Red Box's delivery with Netflix's catalogue, I'd be there at triple the price. We used to (ten years ago?) pay like 4.50 to Blockbuster for a 3-day movie rental: I'd be perfectly fine with paying this amount to Red Box if I could have access to a Netflix-like library (or better).
I had Gary as my professor for an English class I took a couple of years ago at NCU, and I wish he had read some of his writing to us then, this is amazing, and so so true.
*Facepalm* Thanks, Passer By, for again proving my point and giving us an thorough exercise in missing the point.
This is brilliant and very humourous. I am confused by the comments people made that Gary Dopp is a bad writer and hates Netflix. This is supposed to be a humourous article. I highliy doubt that the author is laying awake at night thinking about his lost love of Netflix! Come on people. lighten up!
Great job, Gary!
Did you know you look like Ben Gibbard? Perhaps you two related, being that you're a poet and all, and he's the best lyric writer of our generation.
We have all heard (& experienced) the netflix saga & their sad downfall....This is witty & definitely captures the feelings we have had. Thanks for the light entertainment!
We have all heard (& experienced) the netflix saga & their sad downfall....This is witty & definitely captures the feelings we have had. Thanks for the light entertainment!
He is my professor. To all you nay sayers, you know not of whom you speak and of what you say. He is a fantastic writer. To the one who commented on beating the kid up who is precious and fake, you have serious issues. Beating people up for differing opinions isn't very nice. I hope you don't teach your children that. I assure you Gary has impecable taste in writers. I would know since I have the pleasure of reading some of his favorite authors. I think those who have commented that he lacks in taste lack in good sense themselves.
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