Smith's solution: Settle Senate race in the sumo ringby Peter Smith, Minnesota Public Radio
Seasons come. Seasons go. But the Minnesota Senate race endures forever.
Enough already. Enough deliberation. Enough rulings. Enough press releases commenting on rulings. And especially enough high-priced lawyers in pinch-backed suits telling us to "count every vote."
Look. Here's the deal. It's fifty-fifty. We're split right down the middle. No matter who wins, half of us are going to resent the result.
So let's find a quicker, simpler way. One that feels fair to everyone.
We could flip a coin, but coin flips don't feel all that senatorial. They're more for breaking a tie for mayor of Greenbush.
Or we could fly both men to Washington, and have them place a hand on the Senate seat itself. The one who lets go last wins.
Or maybe have them play two-man musical chairs. I could see the two of them circling the seat in the Senate chamber, ready to pounce when the music stops.
Or have a spelling bee. That would work as long as the loser's lawyers promise not to go right back to court and argue that their guy caught "Schenectady" while the other guy only had to spell "cat."
Dueling pistols? Too terminal.
Paper-scissors-rock? A lunchtime game of H-O-R-S-E at the Y? One of those staring contests where someone blinks first?
How about this: If we don't have a decision by Friday, Norm Coleman and Al Franken sumo wrestle for it. We hold the match just behind second base in the Metrodome and charge admission. The proceeds help offset the cost of this insane recount.
Hey. Why not? Why not any or all of the above? We went through the looking glass months ago, authorized torture of logic, unwillingly suspended our political disbelief.
We've run out of patience left and right. Let's set a date. What do you say? If we don't have a senator by Friday, they sumo for it.
Hey Norm. Hey Al. Start bulking up.
- Morning Edition, 02/17/2009, 6:55 a.m.
Peter Smith lives in Hopkins, Minn.