Carp!
Posted at 6:00 AM on November 23, 2009
by Dale Connelly
(34 Comments)
Asian Carp are gaining ground in Illinois. News reports over the weekend indicated that Illinois authorities turning up the voltage on an underwater electric fence that was designed to halt the voracious carp's progress towards Lake Michigan.
Now Asian Carp DNA has been found in the water beyond the fence, and while no actual fish have been located yet, experts conclude that these destructive eating machines have leaped, gone around, tunneled under or somehow managed to pass through the barrier.
What does this mean? Once they get into the Great Lakes, Asian Carp will pose a serious threat to existing species and commercial fisheries.
Already, in lakes and rivers, some of these greedy eaters have swelled to 100 pounds. That's a big fish. Is there any limit to how large they'll become in the Great Lakes? And the way they leap out of the water ... monstrous, mammoth Silver Carp bubbling just under the surface - they could be the Great White Whales of Lake Superior ... even posing a threat to Great Lakes Shipping.
In the gargantuan moster movie genre, electrocution was one way to deal with scientific accidents run amok, but that doesn't seem to be working with these Asian Carp (re: underwater electrified fence).
And they live in water, so we can't set them on fire (another time honored technique).
If we could get them to climb, en masse, to the top of the Empire State Building, there might be a chance we could push them off by buzzing them with bi-planes (they ARE slippery after all), but an enormous fish ladder would have to be built, which is an extremely expensive proposition (a good economic stimulus project?).
The world's greatest minds have assembled here in the hope that humanity has one last trick up it's sleeve. Perhaps there's some technological fix - something new and experimental. But all I see are blank faces.
Unless ... is that a glimmer of an idea in your eye, Dr. Heartlander?
Comments (34)
Sounds like a bonanza for Dr. Larry Kyle and Genway. Fish to feed the masses.
Sounds like a bonanza for Dr. Larry Kyle and Genway. Fish to feed the masses.
carnivorous, scuba-goats might work. just have to develop that breed. my goats are vegetarians and even hate being out in the rain, so that might be a hurdle.
or, bring up the infamous nutria from Louisiana and train them to hunt the carp.
otherwise, the easier solution would be to have a whole lot more fish boils - i assume they are edible...
good morning, All!
I'm with Ken in having Larry Kyle brought to mind by this story, but am not so sure he is the solution as opposed to the originator of the problem.
Does anybody in Heartland know exactly in what form they found this carp DNA that seems to be unattached to actual carp?
Is it just floating in the water (in which case, couldn't just the DNA have floated through the barrier and not any actual carp?)
I can't turn my head to solving a problem I can't make any sense of.
Seems like a job for the crew of the Muskelunge.
I'm sure Congressman Beechly is alarmed, or at least concerned.
Dale, I think Dr. Heartlander will have to call in Dr. Larry Kyle. Or maybe we shouldn't be too quick to bring Dr, Kyle in on this. After all, we are never too sure of the side effects of his creations.
There is one thing that Dr. Heartlander might suggest and that is to come up with a recipe that makes use of Asian Carp which is so good that they would be in high demand and would be so heavily fished that their numbers would decline It might be hard to come up with a recipe like this, but there is a chance that, with the current interest in cooking, some TV chef or an author one of the popular cook books could come up with it. Maybe Lynn Rosetta Casper is up to this task.
If we have to fall back on Dr. Kyle, probably he could create another fish that would eat Asian Carp. We could have a problem for awhile with the predator fish becoming a problem, but when they eat all the Asian Carp, they wouldn't have any more food and they would die out.
Is this a glandular problem? I suggest the development of a synthetic hormone that will work only on carp to produce shrinkage.
I am so glad right now that I don't live in Minnesota!
Although great minds from the heartland have come up with perfect solutions already, I'd like to make one more suggestion....mirrors. They are so ugly that their reflections could be used to scare them away.
Yes, Catherine,
Congressman Beechly is concerned.
On one hand, he's delighted that the creatures seem to have such an intense interest in moving into his district to take up permanent residence. Every Congressman wants population growth in his or her district, and packing the district with enthusiastic supporters who reproduce at an amazing rate would be an ideal situation for Mr. Beechly.
Unfortunately these carp don't vote.
The 9th District's current residents are divided on the Asian / Silver / Bighead carp question. Many are alarmed, although some still think it's amusing to have fish leap around like crazy every time a boat goes past.
I think that part gets old pretty fast, especially when a 40 pound fish hits you in the face.
Good Morning!
No Dr. Kyle please, things are bad enough already. I'm curious about the links in this post Dale as they don't have anything to do with carp or fish of any kind but do have a lot of goat butchering? Is something wrong on my end?
Have a great day everyone!
Greetings! I think Jim has the right idea -- that's how other fish became sought after and are now expensive I think. They wanted to find a way to sell the by-catch of the fish they meant to catch.
The Asian Carp should be declared a great delicacy, capable of great healing powers, extra high nutritional value and increase men's virility. They need a good marketing campaign along with a way more catchy name.
A good name makes all the difference -- filet mignon is a marketing name, not the name of the cut of meat. Let's think of a great name for the Asian Carp -- and it doesn't even have to be truthful! Ah, the beauty of marketing!
Sounds like a job for an underwater pied piper of sorts, though he won't be able to drown the carp. It's advisable that we pay up if he eradicates the fish to avoid any grisly outcomes, though.
Good morning, all!
Hi Mark,
Sorry about the links under the photograph. The first one does take you to some pretty nasty looking stuff, but I included them because the images I used in my photoshop project come with the caveat that they can be re-purposed only with attribution. The links are "credits" for the carp and the laker.
I didn't realize the nature of the other photos being offered until after I had finished my project.
Thinking along a similar vein to getting folks to eat Asian Carp as a fine delicacy - maybe some PR company could find the right spin to convince folks that these carp are the next exotic pet craze. Only those with a backyard pool would have enough space, but that would ensure that the inner city riff raff (like me) couldn't afford to keep one. It'd be like pet rocks, only more voracious.
Or we could get someone working on Barb's scuba diving goats. The visual of goats with scuba gear amuses me - and if we can get 'em to eat fish, I bet it'd work!
Yes, Joanne, I think we need a good name for the cuiinary version of Asian Crap. How about "dancing fish filet"?
Several random thoughts about the silver carp problem:
Soylent Green is Silver Carp!
Blow them out the airlock into the depths of space. Or onto shore to become fertilizer (see above item).
Perhaps sound waves could be used to repel them, using the signal from most any available Top-40 station.
I also wondered how one finds silver carp DNA, but not the carp, as Catherine asks.
how about renaming the flying wolf carp and putting a bounty on them? we just about did away with the wolf maybe we could do it with these guys too.
or we could have dr larry kyle cross them with homing pigeons and we could have them deliver the mail in the great lakes area and help with the deficit the post office is dealing with.
An historical precedent: in the early fifties my mother used to buy every so often a block of frozen fish for something like 49 cents. It would feed a family of five. It was called "Ocean Perch," what today would be known as a by-catch. Walk into any upscale restaurant today and it will cost you $12-15 for a dinner of it under its new name "Orange Roughy." So the new name should start with a color.
AAAAGGGHHH!!! The M/V Algorail is beset by giant ugly fishes that can fly! The trick, of course, is to get rid of the one bugger of a species without destroying the rest. So much for 'Cajun fishin'.' Y'know, perhaps there's a military application here. The ore boats can drag nets behind them, snagging these gigantic pests. They can be loaded up in water-filled rockets and launched via smartbomb technology at bad guys in the Middle East. Can you imagine one of these 'smart carp bombs' spilling it's contents and bad guys getting slapped around by 100 pound carps? It'd be like a cross between Dr. Strangelove and Monty Python.
Hey, "That Guy:" (do you think your hat is a little too tight?) The military code name for your project could be "Full Monty Python."
TGITH -
Is this a more organic form of CARPet bombing?
Grisly, dpressing thought, but the military application must be considered, if our plan to Defeat The Monster has any hope of being funded.
Oops Monday error: I meanT "Fully Strangelove Monty"
Morning Heartlanders. Just think what Hollywood could have done with Dale's PhotoShop talents! When I was in high school, I got the old black & white tv to keep in my room. In those days there was one channel that went 24/7 and from midnight to 6 a.m., they had Bijou Theatre... lots and lots of oldies and they'd go in themes. So if Rodin was on at midnight, then Godzilla would be at 2 a.m. and Mothra at 4 a.m. The special effects were awful but spellbinding. I went to school bleary-eyed many days, but it was worth it!
Thanks for reminding me of a good memory Dale!
I thought of this too late, but something by the Nucleur Whakles" was called for this morning.
I thought of htis too late, but something by the Nucleur Whales was called for this morning.
Clyde,
It's true, you're too late to get the Nuclear Whales into today's show because my "live" hours are done and JASPER is driving. He is set in his ways and knows nothing of Nuclear Whales.
However, I do have some influence, and I think I can convince JASPER to play a whale-related song for you about an hour from now (around 10:42).
Like major legislation in Congress, getting JASPER to play a request takes a lot longer than you want it to and the result is almost always something different than what you expected, but is it good enough? Better than you had in mind? Time will tell!
Such customer service!
Now I am intriqued. You imply it will be like the Whales but not the Whales. What will that be? Waiting to see. Hope I do not have a customer call right then and miss it trying to match your level of customer service.
Yes, Clyde, but it's only GOOD customer service if you like the song I'm able to deliver.
Still, if I can keep you tuned in for the next hour I guess I've done PART of my job, even if it's the last hour you ever spend with us.
Thanks for your patience.
Clyde & Dale -- now you've made me curious. I'm logging back onto my pc/windows media right now!
Not saxophones, but very nice indeed. Thanks. Reminds me of a very memorable experience: I have stood on the beach on Barrow and Wainwright, Alaska, and watched Inupiat people cutting up 50-foot-long whales (right whales, not hump back). I know fish they are not but stink like fish they do. Fun fact: the middle school in Barrow has a skinning room in it.
I just heard Kerry Miller's interview (thus missing the whale song) with Stephen King and Audrey... I'll bet SK could think up a monster or entity that would scare the heck out of these carp and make them go back where they came from.
Ooh, I vaguely remember Soylent Green, Mike, wasn't Charlton Heston in that? Am also enjoying Fully Strangelove Monty and some of the visual images this morning, from scuba-goats to flying fishbombs. Either of these would be a great name for a new rock group.
Is orange roughy really ocean perch, Clyde??
Wikipedia: "The orange roughy, red roughy, or deep sea perch."
Also called the slimehead, Very intersting fish, lives up to 100 years (all of which and more I learned because you asked, Barbara).
Several years ago I attended a lecture in which the presenter talked about the fish as it was and is now. I remember because of my mother buying the fish at our local National Tea, or Nash.
Similar story: I also grew up eating herring from Lake Superior which the fishermen (way back before the lamphrey) would sell cheap as a bycatch. Now it's called Blue Fin. "If you can't change reality; change the language."
was it the 70's when orange roughy was introduced at 49-69 cents a pound ttoday it 60-70% of all fish sold for consumption i am told
Read in a history of Maine that for 150 years lobster was considered a junk food fit to be fed only to prisoners.
Dale, forgot to say, love the Carpet bombing pun.
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