Stay Awake!
Posted at 5:00 AM on August 18, 2009
by Dale Connelly
(12 Comments)
Scientists have uncovered a genetic mutation that makes it possible for some people to get by on less-than-normal amounts of sleep without damaging their health. How long will it be before someone markets a DNA adjustment that will turn night owls into morning people? We need look no futher than Dr. Larry Kyle's back-of-store office at the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.
Here's Genway's latest junk e-mail:
Attention shoppers!The special this week is Genway's Circadian Blend Coffee! These beans are loaded with all the genetic instructions necessary to tilt your 24 hour cycles towards the "more awake" end of the scale. And while that's the same thing caffiene does on an hour-by-hour basis, Genway Circadian Blend manages to make the shift a permanent part of your biological profile.
"Don't believe the rumors that we siphoned off a whole bunch of owl DNA for this product," says Genway founder Dr. Larry Kyle. "It wasn't 'a whole bunch'. In fact, it didn't take very much at all."
Circadian Blend replaces Genway's famous but controversial coffee line, "Sumatran Rush", which featured beans enhanced with adrenaline harvested from laboratory rats.
"People loved the thrill of drinking Sumatran Rush," said Dr. Kyle. "But there were complaints about all the reflexive, adrenaline-enhanced feats people were performing without intending to, like spontaneously upending cars and leaping over houses when they simply meant to flinch. It became difficult to control the side effects. With Circadian Blend, reactions are much more predictable. And the animals we used aren't as creepy as rats."
In addition to incorporating extra genetic material from famous low-volume sleepers like owls and giraffes, Genway Circadian Blend actually re-wires your own DNA to give you the advantage cows enjoy of being able to sleep with their eyes open.
"This is a great advance for the average person," said Dr. Kyle. "To be able to sit in a meeting, literally sleeping with your big brown eyes wide open ... that's huge." (Side effects may include obsessive chewing, voluminous methane production and a tendency to stand facing into the wind).
Circadian Blend Coffee! In Diurnal or Nocturnal blends. Get more out of your day the Genway way!
Who here is a coffee drinker? Tea? Other?
Would you try Genway's Circadian Blend?
Comments (12)
good morning, All! i'm having my first coffee - mostly decaf. i enjoy sleeping (at night). so i guess the Genway Diurnal blend might help me sleep even better?? dark roast, a little goat milk and sometimes a spoonful of cajeta.
goat cheese recipe for the week:
wrap a nice ripe cherry in a coat of creamy chevre and roll in chopped almonds. pop in your mouth. and if you want another, Google chevre truffles
I do like coffee and I could use a solution to my problem of not getting enough sleep. If I drink this new kind of coffee I guess I will not need very much sleep.
However, I am always concerned about the side effects of these genetically engineered products. In this case Dr. Kyle does list some side effects. I think I want to avoid a product that causes me to produce large amounts of methane which would contribute to global warming unless I can collect the methrane and use it as fuel.
Good sounding truffles, Barb!
I'm with you Jim - those side effects sound powerful!
Although, I'm used to facing the wind. Our playground has no wind block which is one of the reasons I avoid wearing skirts when I have duty, if you get my updraft drift. (Very hard to blow a whistle at a kid when you need both hands to hold down fabric.)
Coffee is survival! Tea is okay now and then, but serves only as an inferior substitute. Thank goodness for its side effects. Without sleep deprivation and jumpiness, I'd have no personality.
Good Morning!
I have been a pretty hard core coffee drinker for much of my life but have recently gone on the wagon so I won't be trying any of the Genway products. I particularly don't need to produce any more methane than I already do though capturing it for fuel would be good.
Have a great day everyone!
I like coffee, but I also like sleep. I'm okay with being an 8-9 hour a night kinda gal. Dr. Kyle's Circadian Blend might be interesting if the effects weren't so lasting - there are those occasional weeks when it'd be handy to need less sleep - but I'd miss my 8 hours cozied up in the flannel sheets if the effects truly were permanent.
i am wondering if this product did any testing...i am thinking my teenage children may have been part of the test study. i have conversations with them where they look at me with their eyes open and then claim later to have no recollection of the conversation at all. i have been looking for an explaination and this is the most likely one i've found so far.
tell dr kyle to keep up the great work in makeing the world a better place. now he will be able to do more in less time. how nice for all of us who like to sleep but want results now.
I agree with Anna in my love of sleep. It's the waking up part that is most painful. If Dr. Kyle could create a kind of switch in my brain so that I could rise in the morning as easily as turning on a light; or another idea, if biologically the sound of an alarm clock would inspire wakefullness rather than the desire to throw the clock across the room. Love the music!
i'd try Larry's coffee; it's an essential part of my day but only before noon i like to sleep too, eventually; seems like the older i get the less i need it
the twins and i are looking forward to seeing you at the Fair!
Greetings Heartlanders! Personally, I cannot abide coffee -- caffeine makes me crazy and I get up early without any trouble.
I love herbal teas and there are many wonderful, tasty varieties to keep you cozy and enhance your health. While Dr. Kyle and Genway are fun and innovative, I will generally avoid their products -- I prefer my food as Mother Nature intended without human intervention!
Normally have juice with my oatmeal for breakkie's. Had cold chai this morning. Got my first tea of the day steeping right now. Love the smell of coffee brewing but never got the taste for it. Even when people 'make it right' for me...whatever that means...
I Love Coffee....there's a Surly beer called Coffee Bender which I first saw at the Ceder. The server said it was Love in a can, so I tried it, she was right!
Barb, can't wait to try your truffle!
Donna, you're too funny.....sleep deprovation & jumpiness:)
I've tried in vain to prefer herbal teas... (I do have several on hand for guests and in evenings), but my ritual is Irish Breakfast in the morning, and some kind of green in the afternoon. I love a little coffee with my cream, too, but it has to be wonderful and what I make isn't wonderful.
Thanks for the "truffle" recipe, Barb... My condolences Donna on the school year having started already. Isn't there supposed to be a staff week first to get ready??
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