The Second Stimulus
Posted at 5:40 AM on July 10, 2009
by Dale Connelly
(16 Comments)
The following note was found inside an emptied out and re-sealed Pringles container that washed up at a Mississippi River boat landing near Downtown St. Paul:
To Whom it May Concern:The months has ticked by with no word from th' American government regardin' the help bein' offered by our philanthropic an' public spirited organization - a group what has taken the name fer itself of "Classic Pirates".
Our idea was t' create, with our own crew, a new government agency t' be called th' "Federal Booty Administration". We was offerin' t' take that stimulus money (just a portion) fer the purpose of seekin' out an' diggin' up hidden booty an' various buried treasures what has been left behind in assorted locations by Classic Pirates (just like us) over lo these many years.
In return fer th' "seed money" t' begin this "shovel-ready" project, we proposed handin' over the spoils of our efforts t' th' government of the USA. AND we was willin' t' expidite th' process by workin' at desk jobs in the federal government even though such a tame form of employment runs against our very natures.
But that unselfish offer has gone without any kind of official response at all, not even the courtesy of a polite "nay".
An' now it appears them stimulus dollars is only partly spent. Somethin' like 80% remains. Them in charge is on th' defensive an' may simply be too careful t' spend money as quickly an' efficiently as, say, a "Classic Pirate".
Yet this is the time fer bold measures!
Therefore, we hereby withdraws our offer t' serve the public by creatin' a Federal Booty Administration, an' demands that every penny of th' remainin' stimulus money be handed over t' our care at once so that we may inject it into th' economy immediately, through our contacts in various hospitality industries based at wharfside in numerous coastal cities.
We "Classic Pirates" can be relied upon t' take action without regard fer the consequences t' ourselves or anyone else. We can spend the money in one night, if need be, and awake th' next mornin' with no memory at all regardin' what happened.
Th' money will be in the economy fer sure, an' let the chips fall, I say. There'll be no second guessin'. We'll see t' that.
Yer servant if you will allow it,
Captain Billy an' the crew of the Muskellunge.
I suspect that anyone who communicates through notes set afloat in empty Pringles cans may not be the right person to spend hundreds of billions of dollars wisely. But could he get the money spent? Absolutely.
If you were given the task of injecting this money into the economy through one location, would you blow it all down at the docks like Captain Billy, or elsewhere?
Comments (16)
I think Captain Billy is right on the mark. In this country it doesn't matter how we spend the money, just keep spending it. Can I join Captain Billy's band pirates? I want some of the money, and I can spend it just a quickly as Captain Billy and might as well have the company of Captain Billy's crew to have as much fun as possible. I don't know why they can't give out the money fast enough, but I think Captain Billy and I can take care of it.
Captain Billy and his gang have community and spirit among themselves. Can't ask for much more than that.
Could we, please, hear some old Tom Waits this morning? I'm thinking of "Grapfruit Moon" from the Closing Time album, but that album has so many lyrical and lovely tunes!
Jim,
If Captain Billy gets access to the money he may need to add pirates to his staff to spend it as quickly as possible. But remember, all this spending is going to happen down at the wharf, so you will have to be willing to get a tattoo.
In fact, to deplete the billions, you might have to get a whole-body tattoo. In one night. Are you ready to make that level of sacrifice? If so, what kind of mural would you like to wear?
If I had this kind of money at my fingertips and had to put it all in one place I'd put it into public school systems with an earmark on it for a largish percentage to pay for arts in the school (e.g., adding back the music and art classes that so often have been cut of late - band, theater, all that good stuff).
If Captain Billy and his crew get it, you could make the argument that it'll still go in part to the arts and entertainment industries wharf-side since those often go hand-in-hand with the hospitality industry he mentioned...hmm...maybe body art (not sure about a total body mural - ouch) for every adult in the U.S. might be an interesting stimulus package...
I have to get tattos all over my body!! Well if that is what it takes to save the economy, I guess I can do it. I like insects, so I guess I could have my body covered with insect tattoos. I was refered to as the bug man when I worked as an ag consultant so I guess I could be the bug tattooed man.
Good Morning Dale, Mike and RH-
My 10 year old grandson, Brohde (pronounced like Cody), spent the night last night. Like his father and uncles before him, he has been subjected to Morning Show music for years. Once a couple of years ago when he was riding in the car with me, he asked, "Can we listen to NORMAL music now, Grandma?" Of course, he has discovered a few tunes that he likes. One Meatball(the bluesy version), Why Don't Tow Trucks Haul Toes? and Purple People Eater are some of his favorites. Would you please play somthing special for him this morning (8:30-9:00)?
He's a great kid and always makes life an adventure. Thanks
Upon further reflection, perhaps a more immediate way to spend the funds - besides Captain Billy's offer - would be to buy up enough of those little feed pellets you can get for a quarter at petting zoos so that no child has to pay to feed a goat at a zoo or other tourist attraction for the rest of the summer. Free petting zoo feed for the nation! Children would be happy, parents wouldn't have to dig for quarters, and the goats would be well fed. Admittedly, this may not be a nutritionally sound option for the goats, but think of all those little hands getting feed and pat the goats.
I can only commit to one more tattoo, so I can't be of much use to Captain Billy's cause.
Thanks for the "Grapefruit Moon"!
Anna, might I refer you back to the Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation website Petting Zoo page: "Not surprisingly, petting zoos are where most goat traumas occur...the animals have learned that people frequently have food for them and so swarm every human they can in their never-ending attempt to eat" www.goat-trauma.org/zoos
Thus I recommend re-considering the free treats for goats at petting zoos...
Happy Friday/weekend everyone. I know it's best to have a sunny weekend, but I'm doing my rain dance...
Elinor,
Every tattoo helps. Even if it's only a small one, the important part is "how much does it cost"? What image would you choose? A grapefruit moon?
Oh, but there's so much more to find down at a good wharf than just tattoos. 'Stumpy' could have a nice scrollwork put on his peg leg and weatherproofed. The Boys' parrots could get some vocabulary lessons. They could get a GPS to supplement that old magnetic compass...wait, do they have a compass? They could buy an old magnetic compass, THEN a GPS to supplement it. Keep in mind that wharves are marketplaces. Filled with things that you need and didn't know that you needed.
schools indeed - give 'em lots of money. then, a grant to Donna to develop her cursing - take it to a new level (kidding, Donna), and a bunch to Cynthia to get Venery a new teat. (not cosmetic - a working one!) and a whole bunch to my visiting friend to get a new ankle. she needs one badly and has no insurance.
we're busy here but need more time than money. Dodger misses Tammy and Artie today. interesting. i think she gets the "Mother of the Year" Award this year. Alba get's the "Challenge of the Year" (Dodger disqualifies herself because otherwise she would win every year.)
yes, rain - please, please
where's sherrilee??
Currently I have a (temporary) tattoo of the crest of my mom's maiden name on my right forearm. It's a good conversation starter. If I got a permanent tattoo it would probably be my name's crest or a Celtic symbol in a less obvious spot.
On an unrelated subject, last night I saw Josh Ritter at the Varsity with my 20-something daughter, and it was a great show! I want to thank you for playing him and turning me on to his music . And I probably got a few "cool points" with my daughter for taking her to the show.
Good morning!
I ride by the river twice every day and have seen no sign of Captain Billy so I think it's a long distance scam. What isn't a scam though was hearing Eric Dolphy this morning. I listen with just one ear as I am pedalng to work and it turned out that Eric was in the right channel so could hear his every note. Friday couldn't start out any better, thanks!
Happy Friday!
Ha ha Barb! Yea, I miss Sherrilee too. Great to hear from our phantom, Mark, and Captain Billy is still a stitch!
Since puberty, I've been searching for a tattoo with an image of cleavage. (that's not a joke)
Thanks for the Richard Shindell!
I saw you'd played an Arlo Guthrie song, but missed it live this morning. Thought I'd note it's Arlo's birthday today, born 1947.
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