Gulliber's Travails
Posted at 4:44 AM on April 1, 2009
by Dale Connelly
(32 Comments)
This e-mail was waiting for me this morning:
To: Whom It May Concern
From: Sir Francis Gulliber, ESQYou do not know me but I am an English nobleman seeking an overseas partner to complete a mutually beneficial financial transaction.
I am the great-great-great grandson of Sir Dwight Gulliber, the originator of the oft-imitated "conditional inheritance" prank.
Sir Dwight made millions back in the early 1800's swindling greedy investors with a scheme that required a blind-faith infusion of capital "guaranteed" to yield a 1,000 per cent return by satisfying the arcane requirements of a dead relative's mysterious will.
I will spare you the details, but it worked so well, the word "gullible" was coined to describe any person taken in by Sir Dwight's beguiling scheme.Dwight's son, Sir Austin Gulliber, proudly made a similar fortune using this model.
Sir Austin's son, Sir Donald, expanded the reach to global proportions and stole billions. Sir Donald's only son (and my father), Sir Beverly Gulliber, was too honest to continue the charade and chose instead to devote his life to raising prize heirloom tulips in the English countryside.
He perished from a bee sting outside Sussex in 1970, when I was a mere tyke.Heartbroken over his son's death and unsure of the path I would choose, Sir Donald sealed his fortune in a watertight trunk and paid an Antarctic explorer to bury the parcel in solid ice far from normal routes. Sir Donald's will stipulates that the money may pass to a direct descendant of Sir Beverly if it is obtained through bribes and trickery, and for this reason, I must purchase the treasure map from Sir Donald's executor with 50 thousand dollars (American), accompanied by evidence that the money was obtained through deceit.
Although it is not in my nature, I have tried. Masquerading as a Nigerian Prince, I sent out millions of e-mails hoping to get at least one person to put up the necessary funds, but to no avail. The worldwide economic downturn has created a parallel plunge in the ranks of the gullible. This is a very bad time to perpetrate pranks of any kind, especially financial ones.
Meanwhile, the Antarctic ice shelf is melting at an alarming rate, and I fear the moment is near when these billions will tumble into the frigid water and sink to the bottom of the sea, lost forever.
Time is running out and I am desperate.
You hold the key to my salvation and your own enrichment. Your check for 50 thousand dollars (American), with a notation on the memo line saying "investment in Heirloom Tulip bulbs", will allow me to convince the executor that I have swindled an unsuspecting overseas "mark", thus earning access to the map and, I am sure, a sizeable fortune that surpasses your initial investment many times over.
In exchange for your co-operation, I will split the inheritance with you, 50-50.
By launching this honorable partnership, we will swindle, not each other, but my devious grandfather, Sir Donald, perpetrating a fraud against his memory that will no doubt echo through halls of justice in the great hereafter.
You can count on me to keep my end of the bargain, as I am as decent and as honorable as you! Please respond by e-mail and I will forward my contact information.
Yours Truly,
Sir Francis Gulliber, ESQ
This might be legit.
I know it's April 1, but should I do it?
Comments (32)
Where do I send my check? If I get mine in before you, do I get to share the inheritance? What if I convince my neighbor to front the money to send to Sir Francis (is that like worth extra credit)?
Happy April 1 Heartlanders! I'm thinking we should all just put our checkbooks away for the entire day. I've trying to think of any spectacular April Fool's joke that have ever been played on me and am coming up blank. Although when my daughter was younger, I used to make "fake foods" on April 1... french fries out of puff pastry w/ raspberry jam for ketchup, burgers made from ice cream and cookies. But I'm not a good secret keeper. She always knew something was up!
Have a great day all!
Ah, to start the day with Tony Bennett and Bill Evans! Was I fooled that this would be a silly day!
Should you send money to Sir Gulliber? He could become the next CEO of a big auto manufacturer, so why not help him out?
Dale and Mike, do you have any of those Jo Stafford songs where she sings off-key? That would be fun to cringe to. If not, how about "Shrimp Boats"? Thanks!
Gosh, Ken, it never occured to me that we could
ALL share in the treasure! I wonder if we could get as many investors as Bernie Madoff had!
Dale, if you have the ready cash to back a $50,000 check...hey, it might be worth the gamble. You clearly can afford to lose it...on the other hand, I have a nice piece of swampland I would be willing to let go for that price...
Good Morning!
Count me in. I have a large sum of money coming very soon from an investment I made with Captain Billy and will happily turn over a portion to share in this booty as well.
Perhaps Elvis Costello's Fools in Love would be in order today?
Thanks for the Jo Stafford "Fools Rush In". Listening to the words, I realize what a fool - in love - I could be. Definitely one of those who either rushed in, or never tries again. Sign me still single after all these years.
Don't waste your money on Sir Francis. I have found out there is a bridge for sale in Alaska that would be available for very little money, but more than I have. It is the famous bridge to nowhere and I'm sure every one will want to go there. Please help me buy this.
Good morning, all! I have hardly been able to catch the show. Security auditor from parent company shadowing me this week. Hope you are all enjoying the great music.
Greetings Heartlanders!
I've been gullible since day one -- I almost believed the first few of those emails I received -- especially the "you've won the UK Lottery." Now I get 2-3 a day it seems. Hard to believe how anyone would fall for one of those now.
But hope springs eternal and someone thinks "today is my lucky day" and jumps in. Maybe this is the day! But you go first, Dale!
well, i have been so busy replying to notes from Mr. Ben Achoo and Mrs. Hermione Silpat that i haven't had time to talk with you folks... seems i have a long lost relative in Nigeria who died and had no descendants. and how they found me, i'll NEVER know! i'm so excited i can just say a brief hello. i stand to inherit hundreds of thousands. i gotta get online to Hoegger Goat Supply right away and start spending. then off to L & M Fleet Supply to order, order, order!!
and to think such a wonderful thing happened to me on April Fools' Day! amazing.
if i have anything left i will send it along to the RH group, Dale, and will of course sponsor RH generously.
good morning, indeed!
Yea! The funky song - almost as good as the hog song! I get confused, is the blog Queen of Funk, Sherrilee or Joanne?
Ha... I knew I wasn't the only one who spent all the money in their mind before getting any! Thanks Barb for confirming that I'm not alone. I've often thought of all the things I would do w/ my lottery winnings, even though I've never bought a ticket!
That would be me -- ooh it's going to be a great day -- The Bobs and Michael Doucet both within 10 minutes -- I'm in Funk Heaven! Groovy ... Thank you, Dale!
Hey Donna - while I admit I was definitely in a funk yesterday (OK, some other days too), the title goes to Joanne!
Did you know the word 'gullible' is going to be taken out of the dictionary?
Heartlanders...for your goat fix (since not all of us have goats in our barns,Barb excepted) I found a goat webcam on an Oregon farm on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Culture-magazine-the-word-on-cheese/133490925248
...so you can watch the goats 6.00am-bedtime - you might even see some kids being born. BTW, you can hear NPR in the background - the goats preferred listening - and they even call in during the pledge drive - I promise I'm not making this up.."
(sorry I haven't figured out how to put the link in)
Thanks for setting me straight Sherrilee. Congratulations Joanne! Would anyone object if I claimed the title, Princess of Pork?
P o P it is, Donna. but where is the Lavender Wench today?
maybe someone who is organized could compile our assorted titles?
Cynthia - a goatbarn cam?? cool! i'm checking it out right after i check out my own goat barn. they are yelling at me, so i better get out there......
My Dad always told me that gullibility is inherited. Could he be right?
Mike -- hard to say. My dad was a great skeptic, but he still had 6 siblings and me chanting "Owa Tagoo Siam" at his bidding! I think we're all born trusting, and then have to learn (at great expense) to be cautious and skeptical. Just call me the "Queen of Funk!"
Joanne, I think you are right, we are born trusting. There is a story I heard Jean Huston tell about the father teaching a son about betrayal..."jump and I'll catch you." We all have to learn it...usually the hard way.
Mike, I grew up with a dad whose fundamental message was, "trust no one." I'm still gullible though. Go figure!
Good morning! Mother nature's prank is beautiful if not unseasonal. Please play something for Henry (AKA "Chip"). His birthday was Monday and I am just getting to a request for him. He is 13. He really thought the "don't say the 'f' word to your mother" song was funny! (We were watching the "Italian Job" last night, rated PG 13, and he and his friend would say "bad word" whenever one was said in the movie!) If you can, play anything you think his 13 year old brain would be funny. Thanks!
is our Jasper an "outta town Jasper?"
Dale & Mike...talking about learning things the hard way...there is a song with that phrase in it...what is it? It's becoming an ear worm!
Yup, that's the one! Thanks.
Now...I see horses pacing waiting for breakfast. I'm late again.
Barb mentioned the "outta town Jasper", but I heard something about Captain Billy in the Music Man song. Dale, are you able to contact Captain Billy and ask him if it was he that was mentioned in that song?
Ah yes, Jennifer.
Kids reading "Captain Billy's Whiz-Bang" is the reference, I think.
The REAL Captain Billy disavows all knowledge of such a publication, since printint a periodical to corrupt the minds of impressionable youth is far too much work for him.
I knew he would deny it! Arrrrrrgh. I think he's a fibbin. I think we should put in on the plank and make him tell's the truth.
Tough crowd, here, Dale. I heard both of those references while enjoying Robert Preston's singing as well. We are such an astute group you can't get anything by us -- we've got hearing like a Vulcan and the memories of elephants!
Jennifer, although Capt'n Billy is a scurrilous character and not always trustworthy, I think we'll have to accept what Dale says as true -- printing a periodical is way too much work and I doubt the crew of the Muscalon(?) would be very good at writing, spelling and editing. You almost had him though, Jennifer!
Listening to the re-broadcast, just heard the off-key singing of the Roches - Thanks for the opportunity to cringe! I think it takes special talent to be a good singer, then slip into the awful.
Regarding Jo Stafford, I can't name the songs that she parodied off-key. My mom has a Jo Stafford CD collection, that's where I heard and read about it. Jo had perfect pitch, but did some comedy songs too - amazing what she could do.
I was also glad to hear "Beauty" by Linda Thompson. Really beautiful.
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