Trial Balloon: March 31, 2009 Archive

The Spamden Resolution

Posted at 4:46 AM on March 31, 2009 by Dale Connelly (42 Comments)

Official Press Release
Wendell Wilkie High School Student Council

Bubby Spamden, press secretary
Monica Hooper, president
Abdul Muhammed, vice president
Jake Spivley, secretary / treasurer

The Wendell Wilkie High School Student Council today voted mostly unanimously with one dissenter (who always says cool stuff is "not practical") to approve the following resolution to go to the President of the United States, immediately.

WHEREAS, we, the people of the United States of America pretty much own all of General Motors or soon we will, and the same with Chrysler, which has a lot of minivans but oh, well. ...

And WHEREAS most of us in High School who are looking for summer jobs right now have to compete with our grandparents and our unemployed moms and dads who are showing up to all the same interviews at fast food places and movie theaters ...

And WHEREAS, we, the students of Wendell Wilkie High School will have to work most, if not all of our lives to pay back the debts that have been run up in the past few years, and this year, and on and on into the future ...

And WHEREAS, if the Baby Boomers ever do retire we'll have to listen to them complain about how worthless we are while we take care of them ...

And WHEREAS, all these conditions combined make it seem like we're probably going to have miserable lives and will look back on our teenage years as the golden times when we were young and beautiful, especially right now with summer coming and most of us likely to have lots and lots of free time to kill ...

THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED that the Wendell Wilkie High School Student Council believes the U.S. Government, under the direction of President Barack Obama, should use the bailout money being given to American Auto Companies to give every American 16 year old a new car on his or her birthday. This free gift should be given to 16 year olds this year and every year following until General Motors and Chrysler run out of all the extra cars they made and can't sell, or are back on their feet, or defunct, or owned by Fiat, or whatever.

FURTHERMORE, these cars should come with no strings attached, and should be solely for the purpose of cruising around and having fun and being teenagers who are free go to the beach and to hang out in parking lots and to totally dig rock and roll, which is a very American way to be and is, in fact, one major part of our culture that makes us the envy of the world, if we still, in fact, are.

"We're really serious about this," said Bubby Spamden, press secretary for the WWHSSC and author of what is being called 'The Spamden Resolution'.
"The president really had the support of our age group even though a lot of us weren't able to vote for him (or anyone) in the last election on account of being underage, but things will be different in 2012 so he'd better pay attention."

WWHSSC president Monica Hooper elaborated on these points, but basically agreed with Mr. Spamden, though in a more wordy and not so hardball-like way, politically-speaking.

Vice president Abdul Muhammed also echoed Mr. Spamden's sentiments, adding that the teenage car giveaway program should be run by a government appointed czar. "Oprah knows how to give stuff away because she does it all the time, and it would totally rock if she was the one who handed me the keys."

"The Spamden Resolution is super-historic," said Mr. Spamden, "because it would be so cool if the president really went along with it. And it goes without saying that it would make the author of the resolution some kind of hero for 16 year olds for probably, like, forever."

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