Revenge of George Lucas

I have been a "Star Wars" nut since elementary school. My father took my brother, sister and me to see the film the opening weekend. I hadn't wanted to go. For some reason I was sure the movie would be about Jesus. I have no idea why I thought that. Maybe I was getting it mixed up with "Jesus Christ Superstar." Maybe it was right after my parents had recently bored me by taking me to Franco Zeffirelli's interminable, humanistic epic "Jesus of Nazareth." I was not up for a biblical movie and I wasn't prepared for the saga I encountered.

I saw "Star Wars" at least twenty times in the theater. My brother and I would regularly beg my mother to drop us off at the theater (my sister wouldn't go, she had shrieked with terror every time Darth Vader came on screen). I collected "Star Wars" cards. I kept up on news about when the new installment would come out. I still have to think twice before I say the title "Return of the Jedi;" for a time, it was supposed to be called "Revenge of the Jedi" and that's the title that's burned in my brain.

But, love affairs must end and the Ewoks ended it for me. I only saw "Return of the Jedi" twice. I stopped obsessively tracking information about Lucas's world and I wasn't clamoring for the prequels. I loathed the first two when they came out. But some part of me, the part that saw "Star Wars" 20 times, still needed to see the birth of Darth Vader.

So, I saw "Revenge of the Sith." In short, it's the best of the three newest installments and far worse than "Star Wars" and "Empire Strikes Back." The dialogue, supposedly cleaned up by playwright Tom Stoppard, while not good, is less awkward than "The Phantom Menace."

In case you've forgotten how bad Lucas's writing can be, here's a sample:

"A tragedy has occurred on our peaceful system of Naboo. We have become caught in a dispute you're all well aware of, which began right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation."

Ooooo...that sounds like a scintillating problem. Trade routes! Taxation! I don't get enough talk of taxation in the news, I want it in my action flicks, too...

Anyway, in "Sith," Stoppard has given the actors a small hope of sounding flesh-and-blood, but don't expect a script as witty as Stoppard's "Brazil." It's still mainly Lucas and his fascination with tax-talk.

A few other problems: Lucas throws in tangential characters, uses a script filled with obscure references to alliances that only someone who regularly trolls "Star Wars" websites can understand and - the greatest crime - has our heroes easily dispatch bad guys who loomed large in the past films.

But, I still was pleased by the movie. Lucas planted the seeds in my brain almost three decades ago; the last hour really delivered for someone whose world was truly shaken by the news that Darth Vader was a daddy.

A Brief Editor's Note from Euan Kerr:

I really thought I had seen everything when it comes to irritating movie patron behavior. But the other night I witnessed a new nadir. And of course, it happened at 'Star Wars.'

I've seen a lot over the years. There are the people who come late, make you stand up so they an get a seat, then decide three minutes later they really need popcorn, and make you stand up again. (I took my four year old daughter to see a rare theatrical showing of "Snow White" only to have a woman stand up at the beginning of 'Hi-ho, it's off to work we go' and argue with her youngster about whether it was time for him to go to the bathroom.)

There are the people who leave on their cell-phones, interrupting the movie with some ear-splitting custom ring-tone. Some compound the irritation by insisting on taking the call from their seats. ("Yeah, I am in a movie! It's pretty good! You should come see it. So, how's the family?")

And of course there are the people who talk all the way through a film. Our family still talks in amazement at the guy who punctuated a screening of 'The God's Must be Crazy' with "There's that darn Coke bottle again!"

I had one of those guys behind me at 'Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith' the other night. He and his young son chatted all the way through. I'm actually kind of understanding of parents who answer their kids questions. But this guy insisted on explaining things even when the kid was silent. When Padme/Amidala whispered she has great news for Anakin Skywalker, the jerk commentator gleefully chortled, "She's pregnant."

Now if I had been the Movie Maven, I would have probably just barked at the guy. But guys can't bark at other guys in movie theaters, especially if they have little kids. It's just a little dangerous. I could have moved, but the place was packed. I decided just to play it cool and ignore him as best I could.

So I stuck with it, thinking I could handle it, and it couldn't get worse. And then it did.

I started hearing music, or rather a beat. It was really quiet, but it was there. I could hear a hi-hat and an occasional guitar riff. Where was it coming from? By the light of some explosion I saw a woman sitting across from me, with the tell-tale white chords hanging from ears. She was listening to her iPod! For the rest of the movie she sat there slumped over, watching the action and listening to her choice of rock music. And sharing it too. She even sat through the credits listening to her machine the whole time. I can only think she had already seen the film and decided she wanted to add to the spectacle.

I don't know where we are going as a society when we are unaware of how our behavior effects the people just feet away from us. For my own part I just made a mental note that I am going to stick to art house movies where the audience has a slightly better understanding, and only see the big commercial films at obscure times, where there will be a small audience, where I can slink far from my fellow movie watchers.