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Why victims of domestic violence don't leave

Posted at 10:45 AM on January 25, 2013 by Bob Collins (5 Comments)

Next week, a Minnesota organization will release a report detailing the number of women who are killed in this state by husbands and/or boyfriends.

Many of the victims were already victims of previous domestic violence. Why didn't they just leave the relationship?

This new Ted video should answer the question.

Comments (5)

I think that is great. Why victims of domestic violence do not leave? I was a victim of domestic violence and if you would like me to tell my story I would be happy to. I also wrote a poetry book for victims of domestic violence.

Thanks

Posted by Debbie Bongiovanni | January 25, 2013 12:57 PM

Wow - What Leslie explains makes so much sense. Very powerful.

Debbie - if you want to tell your story, I'll listen (er, I mean read, assuming you tell it here). And learn.

Posted by Jeff | January 25, 2013 1:23 PM

Thank you for this post. Thank you. Thank you. I knew I couldn't watch it in my cube at work so I took lunch and streamed it in my car and cried soul cleansing tears. Leslie's story is uniquely hers, but the threads of our stories are all so similar; I heard myself in her voice. The judgement of "why don't you leave" is so searing and painful; I am grateful that she had the courage to speak out. The only thing to add is that domestic violence isn't only physical; one of the insideous parts of DV is the psychological and emotional abuse. Like Leslie said in her talk, we often experience the "illusion of dominance" and many of us see ourselves as "strong women in love with a troubled man." When we realize the truth we are isolated in a relationship and must face the danger of leaving. If anything, the emotional and psychological abuse is the hardest part to move past. Sometimes it doesn't seem like "real abuse" becuase there are no bruises, although anyone can tell you that bruises heal much more quickly than emotional abuse. Hear that you are stupid or terrible or weak or (insert pejorative here) for long enough and you start to believe that you are those things. Thankfully there is hope and there is help. DAP became a haven for me when I was in my early 20's and left an abusive marriage. The work they do for women, men, and children is nothing short of amazing. http://mndap.org

Posted by Christin | January 25, 2013 3:47 PM

How about a report on why MEN don't leave when they are being abused by the wives?

Men don't even report the domestic abuse they are victims of. They take the male view, "It didn't hurt, much, so I just won't say anything to anyone. After all, I am a man. She can't hurt me, no matter how much she hits, kicks and bites me. I am bigger and stronger, so I'll just keep it to myself."

Men.....report to the police EVERY time she hits you, kicks you, slaps you, bites you, screams and hollers and verbally abuses you. Go right to the police. Get it on record.

And, thereby, change this idiotic notion that only men are abusers......when the fact is women are twice the abusers men are, or more.

And, remember, when you get to divorce court and tell the judge all about her history as an abuser, the judge will ask to see the police records from every time you reported it. Be sure you can produce the police records, and the hospital records, or they will not believe a word you say. Unlike her, who they will believe without any documentation. As a man, you will not be treated equally in court. Yes, it is illegal, but that is what they do. So, have all your doucuments in order....prove her to be the abuser she is.

You won't regret it.

And......remember this.......Never, and I mean NEVER.........hit a woman. Or yell at her.

Let her always be the abuser. She likes to be, as it is her nature. More than 90% of abuse of children is by their mothers. Let her have dominion over the realm of abuse. Take this advice. When you get to court, you will thank me.

Posted by Franklin | January 26, 2013 10:33 AM

Franklin, you are right that men are also victims of abuse, as is mentioned in the speech posted. I think we can all agree that we want less family violence and more peaceful homes. I am unsure of what you mean by "it's in her nature," but I hope that you are not insinuating that all women are inclined to abuse. Just as all men are not inclined to do so.

Posted by Christin | January 28, 2013 3:07 PM