Make me one with everything

A few weeks ago, I bought a new television. I pressed the auto-program button and, low and behold, there popped up a lot more cable channels than I knew I was paying for. My old TV from the late '80s had no idea there was a bigger world out there.

What has this got to do with gardening?

I now have HGTV for the first time, and see the sorry excuse for garden renovation that goes on in the majority of their shows.

The premise usually goes like this:

"Give me a garden, one where I don't have to water, don't have to pull weeds, don't have to do anything. Throw in some impractical stuff that does need maintenance like a fountain and we can all applaud"

Then the trucks roll up and in a 3 day period (reduced to about 15 minutes of video) they plant a seemly mature "garden" with no upkeep responsibilities.

This is all very strange to me. It's like guy who walks into the pet store and says, "Give me a dog that doesn't bark, doesn't pee or poo, and I don't have to feed him or take him on walks." Then they hand him a stuffed animal and spend the rest of the show congratulating themselves.

Look, a garden is an ongoing activity. Plants are not plastic (well some are, but that's not being discussed here); they are living, breathing entities that an owner builds a relationship with. If you have no relationship with the plants then you don't have a garden.

You tend a garden. You primp and prune, fertilize, stake, and cover. With some luck, the garden rewards you with flowers, fruit, or a trimmer waistline.

This brings us back to the people who complain about their sorry "gardens" and get their 3 day makeover. We need a documentary series like "Seven Up!" to revisit these couples later – show me the gardeners today and I'll show you an untended, unkempt, weed-filled lot with a broken fountain in seven years. Have we forgotten that these are the same people that let the previous garden fly south for the summer? What makes anyone think they can be more responsible now that HGTV designers have rolled out the green carpets and intricate designs?