Letting go

What do you hear when ten parents of college freshmen gather in a St. Paul living room to talk about the process of “letting go” of their kids?

You hear a single mom say that she’s already let two of her daughters move into her college age son’s room. She’s worried that he felt alienated when he was home over winter break and slept on the sofa in the living room. A dad raises his eyebrows as she talks, maybe thinking “gosh I would NEVER let my son’s room change over so soon.”

You hear another mom say that although she had prepared herself by reading LETTING GO: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years, and priming herself for the day of goodbye, she sobbed uncontrollably all the way home from UW Madison in September.

Madge Treeger and Karen Coburn wrote LETTING GO in 1988 because they were watching college freshmen and their parents fumble through the process of stepping onto campus at Washington University. Treeger and Coburn were on staff there at the time, and Treeger was in the midst of sending her own kids off to college. They wanted to create a guide book for the emotional and practical needs of parents saying goodbye to their college kids.

Four updates later, Letting Go still stands as THE guide book for parents. I read it myself (I have a high school senior) and fought back tears on the city bus as I recognized myself in her description of parents who are trying to guide their kids through the process of applying for colleges.

This year Treeger is listening to focus groups, like the one I attended the other night, in order to glean what needs to be revised as they work on the fifth edition.

For example, cell phones have evolved from being something a parent might purchase for her college age student (2003) to being a normal accessory for a kid as young as 9.

Parents can call four times a day if they choose, even when the kid is across the country at college. One parent told the story of watching a kid in the cafeteria line on the phone with his mom, discussing the options he had for lunch that day.

That doesn’t really sound like “letting go.” Treeger is listening to what parents and students and college administrators think of how to stay in touch—but not too much – as a student starts to live on her own. She feels that in the next edition they need to respond to the new term “helicopter parent,” a parent who “hovers” around her child, helping her think through her every choice and need.

I could see myself in each of the parents who gathered to talk about their college freshmen the other night.

My head was spinning.

I’m about to dive into letting go of my first kid.

I think the book will help.

Resources:

Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years

Are You a Helicopter Parent? Take the quiz…

Breaking the Parental Ties

Nice job synthesizing all of our focus group chatter, Nanci. And good luck with your eventual letting go.

Barbara,

I hope that your "letting go" continues to go well. Your expertise as a parent is helpful. I hope to study this subject more in the spring. I will be delving into a real life experience of "letting go" this fall when my son heads off to college!

Nanci Olesen