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Off Day News: Lohse Retires to become Underwear Model

Posted at 8:33 AM on July 27, 2006 by David Zingler

CHICAGO - Enigmatic Twins pitcher Kyle Lohse stunned the baseball world last night by announcing his retirement, effective immediately, to become an underwear model for designer Calvin Klein.

“Their people approached me last week and explained that it isn’t right for someone as good looking as I am to cover himself up in a baseball hat and baggy uniform,” Lohse explained. “It made sense, I had to listen.”

The discussion resulted in a top secret audition in which he wowed industry representatives. “I walked out in a Speedo-like getup and the group of guys in the room went crazy,” Lohse said of the designers’ reactions. “I can’t image what they would have done if I were a woman.”

Despite a demotion to the bullpen and stint in the minors, Lohse still figured prominently in the Twins plans either as trade bait or as a possible replacement to inconsistent starters Carlos Silva or Scott Baker in the rotation. “This definitely limits our options,” GM Terry Ryan commented. “Part of you wants to laugh and the other part wants to cry.”

When asked if he went to his teammates, manager or coaching staff for advice and/or input before reaching his decision, the 27-year-old responded, “Yeah right, I’ve never listened to them before, why start now?”

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