Posted at 9:01 AM on June 29, 2006
by David Zingler
SAN FRANCISCO - In a tear-filled press conference, Giants slugger Barry Bonds admitted that he began ingesting large amounts of Flintstone Chewable Vitamins prior to the 2000 season in hopes of boosting his homerun totals.
“Now you guys can finally put this whole thing to rest,” an emotional Bonds told the media yesterday. “It’s embarrassing for a grown man of my stature in this macho environment to admit to using a product designed for 2-3 year olds. I hope you’re happy – the witch hunt is over!”
Bonds later claimed that he did not initially refute the steroid rumors because he thought they made him seem “bad ass.” “At first, I thought the steroid accusations were good – that they would throw you guys off the scent, but then the thing just got out of control. My kids were taunted at school, they would come home crying – do you people know what that is like? I had to come clean; I had to be able to live with myself.”
Too embarrassed to purchase the vitamins himself, the 7-time MVP sent his personal trainer and former BALCO employee, Greg Anderson, to stock up. “In the beginning, I would send him to WalMart where he would load up a shopping cart,” Bonds explained. “But eventually it got so out of hand that we were buying them wholesale – by the pallet.”
Bud Selig meanwhile, said he was pleasantly surprised and relieved by Bonds’ unusual confession, “I am delighted that some of games’ most sacred records are safe,” the commissioner explained. “As a result, I have called off the Mitchell investigation and am looking forward to Barry’s spirited chase of Henry Aaron’s record.”
Upon hearing of Selig’s announcement, Bonds replied, “Yabbadabbadoo!”