Posted at 12:40 AM on May 18, 2005
by Josh Lee
Last night was a busy night for star pitchers, and all the results were wrong. Jon "Where Does He Get Off Being This Good?" Garland of the White Sox improved his major-league-best record to a distressing 8-0 with a seven-inning, two-run outing against the Rangers, getting some help from a home run by A.J. "You Kiss Your Mama With That Mouth?" Pierzynski. The Marlins' Dontrelle "Kicks Higher Than Anyone At Radio City" Willis was less fortunate: He gave up a very un-Dontrelle-like four runs on seven hits to the Dodgers. His hitters kept it close for a while, but then Florida's bullpen collapsed, giving up 10 runs to cement Willis's first lost of the season.
Worst of all, Johan "If He Can't Do It, No One Can" Santana gave up seven runs on nine hits to the Blue Jays en route to a 10-3 Twins loss. Santana, who's looked downright human lately, even gave up -- the horror -- a walk. It's enough to make you wonder if someone's been poking at a voodoo doll to drain the control out of the poor guy.
Perhaps it was the Brewers' Wes "I'm Sorry, Could You Spell That Again?" Obermueller. Usually a mild-mannered relief pitcher, he was recently thrown into the rotation by Ben Sheets's infected ear, and last night pitched an eight-inning two-hitter to the Nationals. Is it a coincidence that this unassuming guy took control of his game on the same night that Santana and Willis lost theirs? You be the judge.